That’s not a rhetorical question. And no, this is not going to be a post about the price of groceries, although that is of course also an issue worth complaining about.

No, in this post I am wondering about how, i.e. in what way, according to which method, I am actually supposed to feed my kids. How, in 2026 America, am I supposed to feed them in such a way that they are healthy and full, eat a good variety of real foods, and form a healthy relationship with food that won’t require years of therapy to repair later on?

If you’re sitting here reading this going “what a dumb question!”, “but it’s obvious!”, “just do xyz!”, then you are not the target audience of this post; this post is not for you; congrats on being a superior parent and human; here, take your gold star and cookie and move along: ⭐️🍪

For those of you still here: ah, I’ve found my people. Now, let’s brainstorm this together. Because there is so much conflicting advice out there. And I am about to lose my ever-loving mind trying to figure out how the hell to feed these kids.

A bit about me and my situation: I have four kids, ages 6, 4.5, 3, and 11 months. The 11-month-old is a baby so he’s easy enough. The other three, though — I’m at my wit’s end, currently.

I feel like things were pretty stable before I got pregnant with my youngest. Meal planning was still a pain in the ass, because my husband and I have different tastes and the kids have different tastes so it’s like I have to make three grocery lists and plan three sets of meals. But I remember back then there was at least some semblance of order, to mealtime; a vague nod in the general direction of breakfast, lunch, and dinner.

But then, with the all-day first trimester nausea, I lost control and it was all I could do to survive and keep everyone fed; the nausea lasted up until nearly twenty weeks, and by the time things felt under control in the house again, I was late third trimester, and then had a newborn, and things became more chaotic than ever.

Now my baby is almost one and I still haven’t been able to get the kids’ meal situation under control. It’s just chaos. There is no “mealtime.” There is no breakfast, lunch, or dinner anymore. There is no table, there is no chairs. There is only snacks. From morning till night, everyone is constantly hungry, and everyone wants a snack. All I do all day every day is serve snacks. PBJs, crackers, berries, cheese, yogurt, chocolate milk. Those are the only things my kids like now. I try to keep it to two PBJs per kid per day, but sometimes it gets to three and they still want another. If I offer them anything home-cooked, even something benign and toddler-friendly like pizza or pasta, they take one look and declare that it’s “BWEH!” and refuse to touch it. PBJs. There are bits of snacks all over the house, pulverized Goldfish and half PBJs, because even though they are starving they rarely seem to actually eat. How the hell do I feed these kids.

I’m so torn, constantly, between “let kids be kids! Make happy memories!” and “raise them to be healthy, responsible adults, even if it’s hard.”

The former philosophy is the one I was raised on. I was a picky eater, and my mom didn’t fight me on it — she just accommodated me. I ate a lot of Chef Boyardee, Kid Cuisines, and Lunchables, when I was little, without shame. My family didn’t eat meals together except on holidays, and there was no strict schedule; I was pretty much fed what I wanted, when I wanted, with some limitations (like chocolate only after the meal). However, as you all know, I haven’t had a good relationship with food & eating, as an adult — quite the contrary — so, do I really want to replicate what my parents did? Clearly, something about that didn’t work!

The latter philosophy — the more strict approach — is the one that my peers, my fellow TradCath moms, seem to endorse. The old-fashioned way. “Picky eating is such a uniquely modern American problem! Up until recently, kids have always eaten what their families ate and it hasn’t been an issue. Just serve them real food, and not that highly-processed junk, from the very start! If it’s not an option they won’t ask for it!” — sounds so simple, right? But I think most of us real moms know it’s actually not that simple. Things happen. Convenience foods enter the household one way or another. And soon they’re the only thing your kid wants.

And that’s when you find yourself in my shoes. What do you do now?

I’ve tried taking away all the convenience foods. “We simply do not have any more PBJs or yogurt tubes. You’re going to have to eat the stir fry.” — that never goes well! Even if I make sure to serve it with something “safe,” like plain rice, as the experts advise! The kids don’t eat, the food goes in the garbage (waste of my time and money), and then they are hangry and life is hell for all of us.

“Just wait it out,” my inner critic scolds me. “You have to be patient. If you cave and give them junk, they’ll learn they’ll get junk food if they just refuse dinner and tantrum enough. If you wait it out, they have to eat eventually.” This seems awfully harsh to me. I remember being a kid; I remember how it felt, how repulsive certain foods were. The prospect of putting certain things in my mouth was so abhorrent. It’d be torture. Call me a softie, but I don’t want to torture my kids. Also, my kids are monsters when they’re starving, and I prefer for us to enjoy our life. Is that a moral failing?

Then there’s the middle ground advice. “Just keep exposing them to new foods! Just keep it drama free and don’t make it stressful! That’s how they’ll build positive associations with healthy foods.” — First of all, any advice that starts with “just” is surely BS, because nothing in parenting is “just xyz” — it’s hard. And furthermore: in practice, this advice is basically saying I need to serve two dinners, making things even more complicated than they already are. The “exposure” food, for them to just look at and “be exposed to,” and then the food they’ll actually eat (i.e. PBJ). Great, thanks for that. Real helpful. Waste of my time and money again. I may as well just show them pictures of food in a book if that’s how we’re gonna do it.

There’s been times over the last couple years when I run out of energy to stress about this whole food question, when I just say “fuck it” and stock up the fridge with GoGurt and string cheese and frozen nugs and let them eat what they want at whatever time — as long as they’re ingesting food and in a good mood, that’s a win! Sometimes I wonder if this is really the best strategy! Maybe it’s okay to prioritize our sanity! Maybe I need to get over the mom guilt, take the pressure off, stop comparing myself to other moms, and just let my kids be kids! Isn’t this the best way to avoid giving them an eating disorder? To keep food fun and low-pressure?

I sometimes start to think yes — but then I see these other moms, like the moms in my church mom groups, whose kids (the same ages as mine, or younger) are such good eaters. They never eat junk. These toddlers are chowing down on green salad, homemade kefir, baked fish, homemade sourdough crackers. “How do you do it!!” I ask my fellow moms. Their reply: they don’t offer junk, they are consistent about mealtimes, they don’t allow constant grazing. Basically: the “strict” tactic I mentioned above. And their kids are so much better-behaved than mine! Surely, they must be doing it right.

So I crack down again. “We have no more yogurt tubes.” “We’re not doing Goldfish in bed anymore. You will eat your dinner at the table.” — and once again, life becomes hell in my house! And the vicious cycle of guilt and misery and wasted time and money rolls on.

I wouldn’t say that feeding kids is the hardest part of parenting. The hardest part of parenting, for me, is the anxiety, the staggering responsibility, knowing that you are responsible not just for their safety, health, and happiness here on Earth, but in large part for their eternal salvation or damnation. It’s almost too much to think about. — The second hardest part is the socializing. As someone with AVPD, I hate socializing, but I force myself to do it, to attend play dates and play groups and parties and classes, so that the kids can have social experiences. The third hardest part of parenting, though: the third hardest part is the feeding. Undoubtedly the feeding. Harder even than the lost sleep, the lost free time, the messes, the potty training, and the financial costs — the feeding. Is it just me? How the hell do I feed these kids.

“Just model good eating yourself!” Maybe that is the secret. Eating as a family is hard for me to do. Because of the ED stuff and my weird control issues around food. Also, because of my upbringing, sitting around a table for family meals just feels weird and uncomfortable for me — always has. And my kids hate sitting at the table anyway, and whenever they eat are constantly asking me to bring them stuff — a napkin, some water, some ketchup, a clean spoon because they dropped theirs — so I wouldn’t really get to sit down anyway, even if I wanted to. So usually I don’t even try. I eat later, once the kids are in bed — the same way my parents used to do when I was a kid. If my kids see me eating, it’s normally like a string cheese or a square of candy or a cup of juice, on the go.

“Well no wonder, then,” you’re probably saying. “They’re eating exactly as you do.”

Ugh.

But once again I ask: is it such a moral failing for me to want to make life somewhat easier for all of us? Are my kids really suffering, am I giving them some great disadvantage in life, because I don’t like to sit down and eat lunch at a table myself? Is it that weird and bad for parents and kids to eat separately? Am I really setting them up for an ED by not actively eating meals in front of them three times a day? (I cannot stomach the thought of sitting down and eating three meals a day, ugh!) Am I making excuses? — Maybe my answer is buried somewhere in this paragraph and I’m just avoiding it. — or, more likely, I could sit with my kids at table three times a day and serve us home-cooked food and they’d still refuse to eat anything but PBJs. Probably the ED isn’t caused by family meals or the lack thereof, but by other factors and influences.

Do any of you have any firsthand experience to share? Can anyone commiserate? Does anyone have advice that’s not just a condescending “just do xyz”? How do we feed these kids? Comments are open!