My personal thoughts on eating meat? Oh man. It’s such a complicated question, as are all food-related issues for someone with ED history. My stance on meat has changed so many times, in my thirty-six years. At this point I’m an herbivore who understands carnivores and kinda wishes she could be one. I’m also an accidentally, circumstantially militant vegan with an intentionally, philosophically militant vegan living inside me, whom I can unleash at will when the time feels right. I don’t know what I even identify as, or how to explain it. Where do I even begin!

1. ED-Fueled Vegetarianism

I guess a reasonable place to start would be the beginning of my vegetarianism — although, I don’t actually remember when that officially was. I kind of became one by accident, and then decided to make it official. The ED came first. I stopped eating pretty much anything, and then realized at some point that I’d become vegetarian (none of my safe foods happened to be meat), and I happily assumed that identity because (a) it was an excuse to say ‘no’ to food, much of the time, and (b) it made me feel morally unimpeachable, as if my weirdness about food was actually some noble and unselfish thing (it was not).

But so I was vegetarian as a teenager and into my twenties, on and off. My occasional attempts at “recovery,” when forced upon me, coincided with brief forays into meat-eating, as I was often advised not to enforce any hard “food rules” for the sake of my mental health. I had mixed feelings about that. For me eating meat was always a performative thing for myself, like “ha ha, look at me, I’m having a steak, I don’t care anymore!” Invisible middle fingers to the voices in my head. Needless to say, it wasn’t sustainable.

I think I briefly attempted veganism my junior or senior year of high school, simply out of curiosity; but I found it too demanding then, because dairy is something I’ve always really liked. It was, in fact, a cup of Fage Total with honey that finally swayed me from veganism back then. (Fage is, without question, the best Greek yogurt out there. I dunno what they do to make it so much better than other Greek yogurt; it’s like a different food entirely. No, I’m not being paid to say this.)

Anyway, about four years after that, I was sick of food freedom and its resulting fatness, and once again on a super restrictive diet and, lo and behold, decided to go vegan again. You see the pattern. I was very serious about it now, and really enjoyed it, and it became a huge part of my identity: reading the philosophy, supporting organizations like PETA, all of it. This phase lasted for a while, went away, and made a resurgence after my second child was born in 2021, then went away again. I can take it out of the box and put it on when I want to, then pack it back up.

2. The Dormant Angry Vegan

It’s interesting in retrospect to see how I was (and am) able to look at this belief system from the outside, having no particular emotional connection to it (sure I liked animals, who doesn’t?, but, I’ve never been an “animal lover” per se, nor a hippie nor an environmentalist, and it wasn’t like I’d ever had some heartbreaking, life-changing epiphany about the cruelty in the meat industry or whatever), and just think to myself on some level: “why yes, I think I could happily become a radical animal rights activist. That sounds logically sound and also kinda fun and cool; let’s do it!” And I did really believe it, all that PETA stuff. I read and loved “Animal Liberation” by Peter Singer and “Eating Animals” by Jonathan Safran Foer. I did (and still do) find factory farms deeply appalling and depressing. I truly did get triggered and irritated by people who ate meat. I really did think it was simply an inexcusably ignorant thing to do, and that no meat-eater could ever really call themselves a good person. I completely believed that. (I feel differently about meat-eaters now; more on that later.)

I could step into this identity, but then, I could just turn it off at will. When I got bored of it, or needed a change in my food lifestyle for whatever reason. Which tells me that I could still do that at any time, if I chose to; if I decide to devote the mental energy to it. Vegan Mith still exists, in there, and if I feed her with vegan literature and vegan content, she will grow stronger. I very well might do this at some point in the future, but right now, I just feel a bit too maxed out, between raising little kids, managing the family meal plan and food budget, and trying to be a good Catholic — in which world it’s very uncommon, btw, and even frowned upon to be vegetarian.

I do think that if more Catholics were vegetarian/vegan, I’d probably let Vegan Mith rise to the surface again. Or if my husband, or anyone around me, were veggie. But no one in my life is veggie, so Vegan Mith doesn’t get a lot of stimulation or encouragement, and just lies dormant.

Which shows me something kind of interesting about myself. Apparently it’s true that either (a) my convictions are so feeble that I don’t bother living by them unless it’s amusing or others around me agree with it, or (b) I’m just a fundamentally weak person with few, if any, real convictions.

3. Accidentally Radical WFPB

These days, for the sake of convenience and comfort, I’ve mostly just been plain old vegetarian: the kind who will eat eggs but not fish or any other animal. And even this is not because of any moral convictions, really. It’s just that meat is gross to me, after so many years meatless. I actually kinda wish that I could stomach meat, because more protein would probably be good for me (protein is the hottest trend in nutrition right now! I remember when I was young, it was all about fresh produce, whole grains, and low fat/fat free dairy products; wild how the tides turn). But it’s just gross to me. And at this stage in my life, I simply don’t care to devote too much mental energy to the morality of my diet — which, after surviving decades ruled by a crippling obsession with exactly that, is actually kind of refreshing. So I guess I don’t really care that I don’t care.

But here’s the funny thing. As of writing this post, at age 36, I’ve accidentally become vegan again, and a more strict one than ever before, although not for the animals this time; for an entirely different reason.

My fourth child, who’s five months old and exclusively breastfed, has a sensitive gut. (I strongly suspect it’s because of the IV antibiotics they gave me during labor.) He can’t tolerate it when I consume dairy, egg, (hello again, veganism), soy, or even corn. And soy and corn are in literally everything, it seems! Virtually every processed food item on the grocery store shelves contains soy or corn ingredients. Did you know that? Even things like the ascorbic acid they put in juice to add vitamins, or the chemicals in imitation vanilla extract, or the added vitamins in breakfast cereal or almondmilk, ALL come from freaking corn!

A normal person would probably give up breastfeeding at this point, but not I. (I’ve fed formula before, for unfortunate medical reasons, and loathed everything about it, ugh; the stink, the infinite bottles to wash, the ridiculously high prices, the constipated babies, the having to get up out of bed go downstairs and prep a bottle at 3AM, and worst of all the constant anxiety about the very real threat of factory contamination — I don’t know how you formula moms do it. Nursing is so much easier.) So, for nearly a month now, I’ve been on the cleanest diet I’ve ever been on in my life. I literally only drink water and consume whole foods with straight-out-of-nature ingredients that I can identify and pronounce. And my baby’s gut is doing much better (thanks also to Smidge probiotics, which are expensive but totally worth the price, and once again no I’m not getting paid for this).

Is it hard? For me, not really. I actually love it. The only hard thing for me to give up was almondmilk. But actually, it’s made my life a lot easier, socially speaking. I hate eating in social settings, and hate being offered food, because one layover habit from the years and years of ED is that I prefer to stick with my “safe” foods. And now, I have an excuse! I can’t eat this, I can’t eat that, and for once it’s not that I’m just neurotic — my baby has a sensitive stomach! Tbh I’m kinda dreading my baby turning one (the age when most doctors say these intolerances tend to go away). Because then I’ll have to start pretending to be normal in food situations again.

And here’s the other funny thing about all this. Eating a completely whole foods plant based diet, with zero “processed” ingredients — it feels amazing! I’ve been doing it for about a month now, and I kid you not, I feel lighter on my feet, more energetic, less bloated, more alert, more generally positive — just more in touch with my body or whatever, as lame as that sounds. Even though I’ve been vegan before, I’ve never been completely whole foods vegan before without any processed ingredients. (I’ve always loved my nondairy milks and coffee creamers, cereals, boxed crackers, my Violife cheeses, my tofu and flavored sparkling water and all that fun stuff.) Now, I suddenly see why some people out there are so strict about avoiding processed foods. It really does make you feel better!

All of which makes me feel Vegan Mith gaining strength again. Gaining life, like Mariah Carey as November draws to a close.

4. Catholicism, Kids, and Carnivores

But, being Vegan Mith kind of puts me at odds with my religious community. Traditional Catholics are meat eaters. They’re homesteaders and “live off the land” farmers who raise and slaughter their own meat. I don’t think I could ever do that — I may not be an “animal lover” per se, I’m a bit too indoorsy for that, but I do hate to see animals suffering, and am kind of a softie about it. TradCaths are conservatives and old-fashioned types. In the TradCath world, eating organic, home-grown meat is the healthiest thing for your body. (It’s frustrating how nutrition advice is so different depending on whom you ask; I’ve seriously started to believe that everyone’s body is just different, and nutrition science is not universal.) In the TradCath world, vegetarianism/veganism is for liberals and prissies and hippies and government pawns.

And, you know what? I get it. I can see where they’re coming from. I’m no longer a Peter Singer stan; I do believe that humans are superior to animals (2011 Mith would think I’m a speciesist loser, lol), and that we have dominion over animals. And I do think it seems to check out that raising your own livestock on your own land and slaughtering them yourselves seems like a wholesome and healthy way to live. I’m sure all that protein is great for you. Logically, that sounds perfectly good to me. Which is why I’m no longer the kind of vegan who thinks all carnivores are ignorant, self-deceiving liars. I can see how, philosophically, meat-eating is not only permissible but even good, as long as you’re doing so as ethically as you can.

The other thing that’s changed my POV on carnivores is raising kids. I’m a mom of four kids five and under. And up until this year, I’ve raised my kids vegetarian. But recently I’ve softened their vegetarianism, and feed them meat sometimes; why?

A couple of reasons: (1), my husband is a meat eater, and if I make food that he likes, but the kids can’t eat it, that means I need to make two dinners. I’ve tried for years only cooking vegetarian, but my husband was never really satisfied, and always ended up sneaking out for fast food, so we ended up just spending more money on food than we should have been spending, and it was frustrating. I’m done trying to convert my husband to vegetarianism. I’ve decided to just accept that he is who he is, with food, and tbh it’s kind of a beautiful thing that he doesn’t overthink about it so much, like I do.

And (2), trying to manage four kids is hard. Together, they act like little dervishes, much of the time: a noisy little stampede of small humans, rampaging around my house. It’s incredibly difficult at church. It’s generally true that kids are calmer and better behaved when their bellies are full. And protein does fill you up faster. If I can get my kids to eat a bit of turkey or ham and actually fill up and simmer down and be satisfied, that’s better for all of us than just constant carb and cheese snacks around the clock. They’re so picky that, at this point, I’ll just feed them whatever I can to try and get them to fill up on something that’s not sugar.

However, if I decide to let Vegan Mith out of her cage, and let myself live by vegan principles again… guess I’ll have to figure something else out. Apparently I can choose to have convictions or not to have them. Which leads me to ask myself sometimes: am I even a real person?

5. In Conclusion

All of this to say, it’s a complicated issue; for me, anyway. I could happily be a militant angry vegan, if my circumstances allowed; I could happily be carnivore, if I didn’t mind the way meat made me feel physically. Which perhaps says more about me than it does about the issue. I guess I’m just a flake.

I welcome your comments on any of this, so please do chime in if you have strong feelings or any kind of reaction to this whole issue.