Funny you should ask, WordPress. This week was my birthday, so I’ve been thinking a lot about getting older and the advice that I wish I could give to my younger self. There is quite a lot of it, so this prompt will also be a Top 10. This was supposed to be silly and fun, but to my unpleasant surprise I actually experienced Feelings while writing this, ugh.

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Dear Adolescent Mith: a few words of advice from your future self:

12. Stop it with the sketchpads. Seriously. Get over yourself; you’re not an artist. At the very least, stop bringing your drawing stuff to school. Don’t carry all those papers around. That’s going to get you in trouble and embarrass you. Just keep your little pictures, your little scribblings, inside your head where they, and you, are safe. I mean this in the nicest way possible: no one cares about them anyway, and carrying them around does not make you look mysterious or cool.

11. Don’t let fear keep you away from things you want to do. Sometimes the people-y aspect of a thing can make it so scary/unpleasant that you will forget that you actually do want to do that thing. Like, going to the barn is hard, because you don’t fit in, there’s social pressure, and fear of doing something wrong or getting snapped at. Also, horses are kinda scary. But you love horses, and will later wish you’d never quit, and will long for another chance to learn to ride, like the one you had then. You must learn the difference between something you really want to do and something you feel like you want to do.

10. Don’t get tattoos. It sounds so cool now, I get it, but listen: you will regret it. It will, at some point, just make you look old and sloppy and cheap. And you may not comprehend this now, but there actually will come a day when you don’t want to look sloppy and cheap.

9. Learn some skills. I know it sucks, because your teacher has an attitude and, being the friendless loser in class with no one to be your partner, you got randomly lumped into a group with those two jock guys who like to goof off – but, please, try to pay attention in home ec. Learn on your own, as well. Learn how to cook actual meals (not just salads and saltine crackers and shit). Learn how to mend clothes, how to knit and crochet, how to iron, how to actually clean a house, how to garden, how to decorate; learn about first aid and natural remedies. Pretend it’s the olden days. One day you will wish you knew how to do these things, but you will no longer have any time.

8. Stop doing things you don’t want to do. Following up from #11: ask yourself: do I really want to be doing this particular extracurricular activity? Why am I wasting all my electives on band class when I don’t even want to be in band? Do I want to play this musical instrument? Do I want to be in this school play? Or am I doing it because my teacher tells me I’m good at it and I’m afraid of disappointing them? Newsflash: people do not care about you that much. Gym class? Skip it. Just leave. Just walk out of the building and go hide in the woods behind the school like you always fantasize about doing. So what!! It’s public school, child. It doesn’t matter that much. No one’s going to kill you for skipping this stupid class. Sure, there are some things that you have to do, like go to school in general – but you don’t have to do it perfectly.

7. Stay close to your sister. Don’t let dumb shit get in the way of that friendship.

6. There are worse things to be than fat, believe it or not. And it’s not true that “nothing tastes as good as skinny feels.” Being skinny is not going to fix you. You’d be happier and enjoy your limited time more if you just said “fuck it” and let yourself be a little fat. I know you don’t believe it when anyone else tells you that, so take it from me, since I am you.

5. It’s ok to be uncomfortable; in fact, to an extent, it is good to be uncomfortable; comfort is a lie. I mean psychological discomfort. Drinking will ease psychological discomfort temporarily, but it will fuck up your life majorly because you will be living inside of what is, basically, a lie. If I had to give you some advice right now about drinking, it would be: try it once, if you must, and see what it does to you, and then set it aside, knowing that that feeling is a lie and leads nowhere. Stop wallowing in self-pity and learn about the value of actual self-denial. (I’m not talking about going on a diet – what I mean is, denying the part of yourself that says drinking and dieting are necessary. Yes, it is hard.) It is better to live in the truth, i.e. the fact that life is uncomfortable. I hope this makes sense.

4. Save money and, for goodness sake, stay out of debt. I know it doesn’t feel like it right now, but guess what: the future actually does exist! And you exist in it! The choices that you make now will have a permanent effect on our life. Do me a favor and save some of that money you earned at your job instead of blowing it on candles and magazines and treats. Save that money from your grandfather instead of blowing it on vacations. Don’t keep taking out massive loans for school and trusting in this whimsical idea that “you’ll pay them off once you have a job” without having any idea what that job actually will be.

3. On that note, don’t chase your “dream.” If you must go to college (which, I don’t think you must), major in chemistry. You were good at that in high school, remember? You liked it! But you let things scare you off from that field of study, and decided it was best to Follow Your Heart. Don’t do that. Know thyself: you are an INTJ, you are designed to work in the sciences. You’re not a writer or an artist – you just like to indulge in your imagination because it’s fun, but hey!, you can still do that in your free time while making money as a research scientist or something like that. All that junk you’re told about following your heart and chasing your dreams – I’m sorry, but it is BS. At least, for you it is, because your “dream” is just a will-o’-the-wisp. Trust me, I have your best interests at heart here.

2. Forget about boys. Take heed: it is neither good nor necessary to date boys at this point, or do anything else with them. You scoff at those who save themselves for marriage, but set aside your prejudices and think about it, if you’re so “smart.” Dating boys will not validate you. It will not make you cool, it will not make you worthwhile, it will not make you more interesting or more of a real person or more of a real girl or any of that junk that you believe. You will not be missing out on some crucial element of life by not dating boys as a teenager. Seriously, just stay away from them, unless they want to (and I know you’ll laugh at this) protect your purity and become your husband. Your poor decisions will cause you a good deal of, and I do not use this word lightly, trauma, which will make things difficult long into your future. I know it’s not your fault; you were just a dumb kid out there in an ugly world, never taught otherwise, so I try not to hold it against you.

1. Go to church. Yeah, I know how you feel about that. You think you’re really smart, don’t you? Here’s what I wish you would do: remember that teacher in high school, the Philosophy/English teacher that you loved so much, whom you adored and who was something of a hero for you, but you just couldn’t get your head around the fact that she was Roman Catholic? Like, how could she be so smart and wise and cool but also religious?? Go to her after class sometime and ask her about it. Or, that nice Catholic kid in your class, the one whom everyone likes because he’s so humble and good and kind to every single person that he meets? Even you?! Ask him about it sometime. I dare you. Just try it.

I know you surely think future you has gone bat-shit crazy, reading this, but listen: I’m still you. We are the same person. The weirdest thing about getting older, is, you’re still exactly the same person, just with more experience. Old people are not a different species. You don’t graduate from youth and become someone else. Things just keep happening, one after the other, and it feels like your body gets older but you don’t. It’s actually really bizarre. So take my word for it. Go to church. Your parents aren’t right about everything.