MiTHology (4.0)

“All pleasures are guilty pleasures if you have high enough anxiety,” says the meme, and this is very true of me. As you probably already know if you read my blog, I have a lot of guilt and shame around just about anything that is pleasurable to me, especially food- and music-related things. Pretty much all of my favorite music is “guilty pleasure” music, and many of my favorite foods are too, even if they don’t seem that weird or bad to a normal person.

Why are we like this? Is it an ED thing? An AvPD thing? Probably some of both, tbh. I can’t imagine what it’s like to eat around other people without shame – I don’t even like for my husband to see me eating, in fact it drives him crazy how whenever we eat together on the couch I erect a small “pillow wall” between us so I can kind of hunker in my personal space. It’s just, those chewing motions are so unbecoming, so… digestive, ugh. I’m even embarrassed when the cashier rings up my groceries. I imagine them looking at all my stuff and going “oh, you like this shit, do you? This pleases your drooly little taste buds?” Lol I wish I were joking.

But not all of these are food. I’m like this about everything. I’ll just get to it so you can see what I mean.

16. Giant fruit. When an apple is, like, freakishly ginormous, like the size of a newborn’s head, or a banana is like a foot long (no, this is not an innuendo, I am really talking about fruit), and any normal person would see it and go “what in the GMO hell is that,” “that is way too much fruit for a single person” – I’ll nervously chuckle and be like “oh yeah, that’s too much, I could never, lol!” but then in private I will demolish that shit in like 45 seconds flat. I love apples.

16. Giant hoodies. I always tell myself I should start dressing more ladylike. Then I always end up in some kind of black 2XL men’s hoodie (I’m a women’s M). I can’t help it, I just feel safe and like myself inside a giant hoodie.

15. Lottery tickets. As a rule, I do not buy these – I have an addictive personality, and not a lot of money to blow – but now and then, when the Mega Millions gets high enough, my sweet and mentally-balanced husband will be like “I’ll go buy one ticket, just for fun,” and I can feel the whites of my eyes turn black as I reply, with the haunted urgency of an addict, “how about three? Or maybe five?? And will you grab me some of those scratch-offs, while you’re at it?”

14. The TV show Outer Banks. It’s so ridiculous! It’s such a high school fantasy. And the really stupid thing is, it isn’t even set on the real Outer Banks! As someone who lives in the Southeast and has spent a substantial amount of time on the real OBX, it’s painfully obvious that this show was filmed in like Florida or maybe South Georgia or something. It’s almost too silly to watch. But man, is it entertaining. (I haven’t watched the latest season yet; I’ve only seen up through season three. My husband won’t watch this one with me, lol.) And the eye candy! Everyone in the show is so pretty, I mean, Madelyn Cline, wow what a beautiful person! My personal favorite character though is JJ. What a precious child. I just want to like pack him a lunch with the crusts cut off the sandwich, and mend the holes in his socks, and whatnot.

13. Christmas. I’m talking the hideous, garish, commercial, Santa Claus, “Rockin’ Around the Christmas Tree,” Hallmark movie, lawn inflatables, holiday sales at Walmart type of Christmas. I love the religious aspects, too, don’t get me wrong. In my faith community, folks aren’t big on the commercial stuff – they kind of pooh-pooh it, and rightfully so. As a holly jolly Santa lover, I’m definitely the odd one out among TradCaths. I wish I could kick the habit and instead be all holy and ascetic and serious about this feast day – but, it just brings me so much joy! I grew up secular, so this shit hits like the best kind of comfort food, for me.

12. Simulation games. I’m not into video games at all, and tbh I kinda look down on video gaming as a hobby, and think it’s pretty dumb. But simulation games? The kind where there’s no actual goal or conflict? I can eat that shit up! Like, as a kid (5th-7th grade) I used to waste so much time on The Sims for PC, and before that I wasted so much time on horseback riding/equestrian simulators. I got so sucked into them! I know I still could, very easily, so I avoid them as a rule. (And there are so many more to choose from, now! Even grocery store simulators!!) I ain’t got that kind of time to waste anymore. 

11. Arby’s classic roast beef sandwiches. I’m vegetarian, and have been vegetarian or vegan for most of my life, but very seldom, like once every few years, I’ll get one of these with extra Arby’s Sauce. They’re just so good, and there’s nothing else quite like them. And it’s weird ‘cause in general I was never big on beef, even when I was a meat eater; I always preferred chicken. What does this Arby guy put in his sandwiches to make them so good? It’s a mystery to me.

10. WASPy baby names. I have three kids, and all of them have beautiful, special, non-WASPy names. I would never name my daughter Harper or Kennedy or Harlow or Saylor, and I would never name my son Miles or Pierce or Brooks – but, I freaking love all of these names so much. The ones that scream “prep school” and “country club.” Ugh, hate to love it.

9. Alt fashion. These days, I try to dress in a way that’s modest, unassuming, comfortable, and age-appropriate. But, just know that, in my heart, I am wearing a vegan leather motorcycle jacket covered in pins, black combat boots, a ripped denim miniskirt with one of those studded belts, black-and-white striped tights, and a t-shirt with some kind of band logo on it. I’m also a sucker for artificial hair colors. Whenever I see someone out in public with blue or purple hair or a quirky, artsy, alternative fashion sense, I send them a little telepathic message saying “rock on friend! you may not be able to tell, but I’m a kindred spirit!”

8. Divorced dad rock. Back when I was like thirteen, I really thought bands like Three Doors Down, Saliva, Staind, Nickelback, and Cold were seriously edgy, hardcore rock music! I thought I was so punk and alternative for listening to them! It wasn’t until 20+ years later that I learned that these all belong to an unbearably cringe genre referred to as “divorced dad rock.” But I still think certain early Nickelback songs, like “How You Remind Me” and “Someday,” are bangers; I mean, come on.

7. Certain manga/anime. This genre is a cesspool, and as far as I can tell, roughly 99.9% of it is disgusting trash. But MARS by Fuyumi Soryo is one of the greatest love stories ever told (even if it kind of gave my thirteen/fourteen-year-old self some rather unhealthy, starry-eyed ideas about what a romantic relationship should look like), and I will probably continue to cherish all fifteen volumes until the day I die. And, as you may already know from that other post of mine, I kind of can’t help but adore the character Izaya Orihara from DRRR!.

6. These two specific seasonal candies: Cadbury Creme Eggs in the spring, and Mallocreme Pumpkins in the fall. Especially the eggs. They’re so disgusting – all that sticky high fructose slime oozing out all over your fingers – but so fun! Cadbury chocolate just tastes better. And, those vile little mallocreme pumpkins: keep them away from me! The texture is simultaneously rock hard and marshmallowy soft, and the sugar is so sweet it burns. Why do I love them?!

5. Heroin chic. I am not condoning this look. I truly, from the depths of my heart, hate that I love this look. It’s so sick and bad (neither of those in the cool way). But, I was a kid in the ‘90s and came of age in the ’00s, and I’m afraid that did permanent damage to my idea of feminine “beauty.” I have tried so hard, for so long, to change my taste: to genuinely appreciate the beauty of a fuller, healthier figure; but, to no avail. My “dream body” will always be bony and emaciated, and I will never feel pretty or confident at a healthy size. But that’s okay. I don’t have to. The whole “love your body” thing is BS. Much more helpful to me in my ED recovery has been “it’s okay to not love your body; it’s okay to be uncomfortable.” 

4. The indoors, and climate control. I so wish I were outdoorsy! I wish I loved gardening and sunshine and being in nature. These seem like healthy, morally superior things to like. Unfortunately, I just don’t like them. Anything colder than 55F and warmer than 70F, I’m going inside. Bright sun? Inside. Too windy? Inside. I hate dirt and bugs; I love air conditioning in summer and heat in winter. I do make an effort to get my kids outside frequently to play, but I certainly do not enjoy it.

3. Gas station egg salad sandwiches in the plastic container. The best ones come from 7-11, but Sheetz has a good one too (which is satisfyingly labeled as an egg salad “wedge”). Isn’t this a disgusting thing to like? I’m so ashamed. They’re so good though. 

2. The song “Astronaut in the Ocean” by Masked Wolf. I heard this song on the radio for the first time in my car one day in 2021, and was like: wow, this slaps!! and immediately ran to the internet to go listen to and download it and listen to it on repeat. It wasn’t until weeks later that I discovered, through social media comments, that apparently this song is universally recognized as the cringiest, lamest, stupidest song of all time, and everyone everywhere is making fun of it, because apparently it sounds like if a chubby youth group leader at church tried to write a rap. Oops. Still slaps, though.

And finally:

1. Bath & Body Works. Their stuff is so bad for you! Chock full of hormone-disrupting chemicals, not to mention all that plastic packaging. But, the dopamine hit that I get from a spritz of B&BW body mist, or a fresh tube of their lotion after a shower, is like no other that I have left in life. It’s not even just the scents, it’s the matching graphics on the pretty bottles, the creative names, and the little artsy descriptions of the scents on the back: their designers do such an annoyingly good job. I can’t quit the stuff. I feel the same about Yankee Candle, and for many years that was my kryptonite, but now I can’t burn candles because of my kids, so, I have to get my fragrance fix from personal care products. My favorite B&BW scent from recent years is Ballet Nights, a wintry smell like sugared berries and cassis, amber wood and vanilla and snow, packaged in a shimmery amethyst-colored bottle; and runner-up is Sweetheart Cherry, which is pure cherry almond cupcake.

As I write this, it’s almost Lent, and so I am getting ready to fast from social media (among other things). And tbh I’m thinking about using it less in general; about becoming more of a “luddite” all around.

My parish priest gave an excellent sermon this past Sexagesima Sunday about, basically, staying the heck off the internet at all costs; it is full, he said, of the spirit of the world. I was admittedly pretty shook, because Instagram is pretty much my biggest guilty pleasure these days. I do more mindless scrolling there than I’m proud of. I am too old for TikTok and too young for Facebook, so those don’t really interest me at all; but Instagram and I, we have a real love-hate relationship. So I’ll be working on cutting back on that, in the coming weeks.

But, before I go, I wanted to formally recognize and express my hearfelt thanks to some of the best accounts on that app: the ones that make me go “yes, this, this is why they made the internet, this is what I come here for!”

Specifically, these are the best non-Catholic content creators. I decided to limit this list to accounts other than Catholic ones, since I follow a ton of great Catholic accounts and could make a whole separate list of the best Catholic and pro-life Instagrammers. But I wanted this particular list to be simply fun and non-political and appeal to a wider audience.

I don’t like to link to social media from this blog, but you should really go check these out for yourself:

13. @insanefbmarketplace. This one gets a little PG13 at times, but is freaking hilarious. It’s just a collection of screenshots of some of the weirdest things listed for sale on Facebook Marketplace. One of the best ones I’ve seen recently was a framed, handmade mosaic, of beautiful blue- and teal-colored glass chips, spelling out the word “Cock,” listed for $70 with no explanation or apology whatsoever.

12. @sincellectuals2. Infinite Jest humor. DFW stans, this is a place for us to laugh at ourselves. The creator is really smart and well-read, and I occasionally learn something new in between the hilarious shitposts.

11. @wanderandthrive. My favorite genre of internet is tradwife satire, and this is the best tradwife/“crunchy mom” satire account I’ve found yet. Her posts about homeschooling/dictating her fourteen kids, remaining skinny and hot for her husband by ingesting parasites, and healing any ailment, no matter how severe, with her hand-harvested organic yak colostrum, are all just shamelessly unhinged.

10. @itsthemcfarlands. You’re probably familiar; their fame is well-deserved. They do humorous little videos about middle class suburban white family life. The dad in this family is a comedic genius, and the absolute star of all of their videos.

9. @depthsofwikipedia. All of the weirdest, funniest, and most delightful tidbits from the darkest corners of everyone’s favorite public encyclopedia, hand-selected and curated for our reading pleasure.

8. @josh.dad.gillett. Hands down the best parenting account I’ve stumbled upon. It’s rare, and such a relief, to find an account about parenting little kids that is neither preachy nor controversial in the slightest. His posts are super relatable and all in fun, and even the comments sections are purely fun and nice. He’s so likeable and funny, and his family is adorable – plus, they’re getting ready to welcome triplets soon! I can’t wait, the content is going to be gold.

7. @elias_filmz. This guy literally just posts videos of himself cooking and eating with his pet cow. Like, the cow is right there in the kitchen with him, destroying everything and making a huge mess. It never fails to make me laugh.

6. @grippingfoodwithforce. Haven’t you ever held an item of food, like a cupcake or a burger, and been inexplicably tempted to just squeeze the shit out of it? Then this account is for you! It’s so satisfying. The comment sections usually feature a bunch of grip experts “rating” and “critiquing” the grips, but personally, I enjoy all of them.

5. @yousuckatcooking. This is a collection of convincing prank videos about cooking: like, for example, “new fruit just dropped, it’s a bananaloupe” with a very realistic reel of a banana being unpeeled to reveal a banana-shaped piece of cantaloupe flesh. It kind of makes you raise your eyebrows until you realize it’s a clever joke.

4. @historyeats. This account belongs to a food historian and published author from England, and she posts the most interesting, delightful, unexpected, and beautiful content related to food history! Almost every single post of hers, I end up saving to my favorites. I especially love when she posts still life paintings that I’ve never seen before; her taste is impeccable, her knowledge is endless, and her captions have such a warm and friendly tone. I admire her so much.

3. @rappinchef. Sheer genius! As his name implies, this guy is not only a skilled chef, but also a rapper/singer, and he writes his own raps (to the beat of existing popular songs) narrating recipes, which he demonstrates as he raps the instructions. They always look delicious. Tbh I am baffled by how multi-talented and funny and unbelievably freaking cool this guy is. He deserves an award.

2. @lostappalachian. As someone who hails from the southeastern/mountainous region of the US, this account beautifully depicts a piece of my heart and soul. The photographer is one of the best I’ve ever seen. She posts photos and stories of abandoned places in Appalachia, which are at once haunting and inspiring. If you’re not on IG already, it’s worth joining just to follow her.

And finally, my personal favorite account on this accursed app:

1. @thesensoryclubb. Parents of babies will get it. This creator takes the animated footage from the popular YouTube channel “Hey Bear Baby Sensory” (which posts high-contrast videos for babies, featuring a cast of adorable dancing fruits and vegetables), replacing the original generic dance music with popular rap and hip-hop songs. Like, picture smiling blueberries bouncing around to Kendrick Lamar’s “HUMBLE,” or a row of little happy green peas bopping and swaying to “Stir Fry” by Migos. I really wish they posted more frequently, because this is honestly the type of content that the internet was invented for, IMO.

You’ve probably already seen my Top 10 TV Characters as contestants on a baking competition show (seasons one and two). The idea for this post came from that. I was considering doing a version with literary characters, which got me thinking about my favorite book, which itself has more than enough characters to cast an entire season of a baking show!

In fact, it has so many great characters that I regrettably had to cut some of the best, simply because I don’t think they’d be good enough bakers to make it onto the show, if they were being judged against everyone else. Among these were, tragically: Don Gately (I mean, come on, Corn Flakes in the meatloaf; it’s endearing, but I just don’t see him having the finesse for this kind of competition); Randy Lenz (too high); Poor Tony Krause (same); Pamela Hoffmann-Jeep (can she even do anything by herself? Lol), Kate Gompert (too depressed to care enough to bake anything), Mario (lacks the physical coordination), and JOI a.k.a. Himself (dead).

Here are the twelve I think would make it, in order from first sent home to champion:

12. Charles Tavis. He might be the character that I relate to the most, tbh, which is a pathetic thing to admit. He’s so painfully awkward. The remaining contestants (except maybe #5) are extremely relieved to see him go home, so they don’t have to be around him anymore. In his nervousness, he kept dropping and spilling everything.

11. Hugh/“Helen” Steeply. I doubt he is much of a baker, but he probably practiced a few recipes over and over beforehand, and managed to present as just convincing enough to get through Episode 2. His bakes were very sloppy, a lot of melting buttercream and grotesque-looking cherries on top.

10. Orin. Also not much of a baker; actually, not too interested in food or baking or in being here at all. But he’s smart enough to outlast the previous two. His bakes are efficient and minimalistic, but flavorful. Tbh I suspect he’s just here for the chance to see #9:

9. Joelle van Dyne. She obviously has some skills in the kitchen (lol). However, I doubt she is that great at actually baking food, because despite her home-grown KY upbringing, she was always more of a daddy’s girl, so I doubt her mama taught her much; and her cakes did not taste as good as they looked. It’s cool she got to represent UHID on national TV though (side note, as someone who hates to be perceived, I’d totally join UHID if they were real).

8. Hal. With a brain like his, he could pick up any skill, even baking. He knows all the terminology and all the techniques in theory, better than probably anyone else on the set. But, his mind is also his weakness, and his overthinking gets the best of him, and in this episode he kind of snaps and his cake collapses in an unsightly molten mess.

7. Pemulis. He’s probably about as good a baker as Hal, but he’s a bit bolder, a bit more cutthroat, more ruthless, and unafraid of cheating. Which carries him halfway through the competition, but is, in the end, his downfall, as he gets disqualified off-camera when he’s caught lacing his opponents’ complimentary beverages with psychedelic drugs.

6. Remy Marathe. Despite his physical handicap, he’s quite a strong baker, and has presented a number of Québécois-themed puddings and desserts using maple. He’s one of those baking show contestants who seizes every opportunity to talk about where they’re from, or to bake something that represents their culture.

5. Avril. She’s one of those bakers who feeds everyone around her generously, but never seems to so much as lick a spoon herself. Highly proficient, and a fan favorite because of her looks. But, all things considered, you have to wonder if she made it this far by sleeping with at least one of the judges.

4. Ortho “The Darkness” Stice. The youngest remaining contestant, at this point, so there’s a lot of pressure on him, but he never seems to crack under it. It seems almost supernatural. But, like his attire, all of his desserts are black, sealed up in black fondant or glazed in dark chocolate, and at this point the judges send him home simply because they’d like to see more variety.

The Three Finalists:

3. Pat Montesian. A formidable opponent, her recipes are homespun but tried and true, and she flinches at no challenge. She’s the only contestant who never bakes with liquor; when challenged to create a boozy dessert, she produced an excellent virgin Irish car bomb cupcake using nonalcoholic beer. Despite her humility and unflagging good cheer, the judges seem intimidated by her, and I don’t blame them.

2. Coach Gerhard Schtitt. Remember Juergen from GBBO season 12? Schtitt is a lot like him, as a baker: very technical, very steady-handed, very German. He really could have won, had he not been competing against:

The Grand Champion:

1. Lyle. How could he lose? It’s like these perfect bakes just materialize on his station, as if we all collectively dreamed them into existence. Yet he never appears to be actively baking; he’s always meditating, or counseling the other contestants, and/or licking sweat off their foreheads.

.

Do my fellow IJ fans think I got it right? I’d be curious to hear your thoughts!