I think I get it now… maybe. I think I can finally, officially, see it from the other side’s perspective.

As you all know, when it comes to vaccines, I’ve always been somewhere between cautiously pro-vaccine and furiously pro-vaccine; my attitude toward antivaxxers has vacillated between curiosity and rage. I know so many of them irl, and they are such smart people otherwise, much smarter than me – so how can they believe something so stupid?!

I’ve done the research. I’ve read all different opinions and taken them seriously. I haven’t dismissed either side, and I’ve continued to do my research, never quite satisfied with my existing knowledge. I keep landing on the pro-vaccine side, based on the available evidence – and thus, I keep wondering and wondering how it could possibly be that anyone with a brain could be antivax. Truly, it’s been bothering me a lot. I’ve been wrestling with this and wracking my brain trying to understand.

But I think I might understand now.

What finally got it through to me was not some personal experience (thank God!) nor reading some mind-blowing new statistic or evidence or personal take on the whole issue; no, it was, basically, a TV show.

The show is Widow’s Bay (2026), on AppleTV. And I didn’t actually even like the show that much. I liked season one’s beginning and its end, but it pulled a few stunts in the middle that were imo irredeemably stupid. I would have quit watching, but my husband was enjoying it. Anyway, the ending, like I was saying, was well done.

In the finale, we encounter a “trolley problem”-type scenario. Now, as a Catholic, I feel pretty confident about my answer to the trolley problem – the correct response is, you may not and must not pull the lever – and I was pleased to see my response represented in a positive light (even though it wasn’t the response that the main character went with).

In life, bad things happen; that’s inevitable. But when you intervene, that makes whatever bad thing happens your fault. In this life we can’t hope to eliminate all pain and evil. All we can do is try not to sin. That’s the only thing we have power over. And by choosing to harm someone… that’s something you cannot do. Good ends do not justify bad means.

It’s not often that my little personal worldview is depicted favorably on TV. Seeing my own philosophical stance represented so positively, so clearly and articulately, by such a good character, made me bask in a sort of self-satisfied glow, for a little while there.

And I started to think more about this whole position. You can’t pull the lever. You can’t intervene. What else does this mean, in life? And, hold on a second, does this apply to the vaccine issue?

What if vaccinating counts as pulling the lever?: Yes, you may prevent some bad things from happening (like serious illness) – but if other bad things do happen as a result (like serious vaccine injury, which is rare but real and very scary)… then that’s on you.

Now in the case of vaccinating, I don’t think it’s quite the same as the classic trolley situation in which a person is guaranteed to die. Because there’s no guarantee that vaccinating will result in harm. It’s more of a calculated risk. But, I also think that people who calculate and choose not to take that risk, are totally valid. Because the thought of being responsible for injuring your child permanently with vaccines… that’s a horrifying thought. Vs. if they got sick, then that would be tragic, but outside of my control.

“But it’s not outside of your control! You could have chosen to vaccinate!” — first of all, before you get mad at me, know that I do vaccinate my kids and will continue to do so (more on that below). Opting out of one risky preventative measure is not the same as accepting illness. I know plenty of antivax moms who are careful about protecting their kids’ health, not taking them places where there are contagious illnesses, etc. You can still try to avoid illness. But risking your kids’ lives to do so… I can see how that would amount to pulling the lever.

It’s not like antivax moms are out here getting their kids sick on purpose. They’d just rather accept consequences, the to-some-degree-inevitable consequences of humanity’s fallen nature, than risk being responsible for harming their kid, I guess.

But then why do I vaccinate?: because, I’ve calculated the risk in my unique situation, and determined it to be low: neither I nor my husband has ever had an adverse reaction to a vaccine, and our kids are generally very hardy and healthy. Vaccinating them is scary, but not vaccinating would also be scary. It’s a real life R.L. Stine “Reader Beware, You Choose the Scare” situation. Also, I do it for the simple reason that my husband is strongly pro-vaccine, and I pretty much follow his lead in big decisions like this. But if he were antivax, I’d probably jump on board willingly. Because philosophically I actually think the antivax position really holds water.

That does not mean, however, that I think antivaxxers should look down on those of us who do vaccinate. We’re not brainwashed government pawns. As I’ve said, we’ve done our research and chosen what we think is best for our families; “don’t tread on me,” isn’t that right? — I swear, the older I get, the more tired I am of people online trying to tell each other what to do. The internet is a curse. I’m about to go full Stoic and just stop having an opinion about anything outside of my direct sphere of influence.

In this post I haven’t delved into other reasons not to vaccinate, such as the ethics of how some vaccines are developed. That’s because I don’t see those reasons as particularly pertinent here. I identify as radically pro-life, but here’s the thing: (1) the few vaccines that were developed using aborted fetal tissue, those two abortions took place very long ago, and there is no remainder of the babies’ DNA in the vaccines; if the abortions were ongoing and every vaccine given meant one baby killed, then that’d be a very different story!, and (2) those are the only versions of that vaccine available to us, and (3) my obligation to protect my children outweighs my obligation to be a perfectly ethical consumer, and also (4) why can’t God bring about good out of evil? Human souls, souls loved by God, are born as a result of IVF and surrogacy all the time!, so clearly God can bring good out of evil, which is not to say that we should support the evil, but by enjoying the good fruits I don’t think we are necessarily supporting the evil.