As you know if you read this blog, I’m very worried about what kind of music is okay to listen to. And I worry a lot about why I like the kind of music that I do, what it does for me, et cetera.

I’ve found that, in most cases, I like to listen to bad music simply because it lifts my mood; it makes me feel less unhappy. Pausing to listen to a stupid song can sometimes allow me to then resume my daily duties with renewed energy and a more cheerful outlook. It’s a little bit intoxicating, maybe, like some kind of mood-lifting medication.

So then is it okay to listen to bad songs in like a medicinal way? To help myself out of a bad state of mind? I know that good ends do not justify bad means; but how bad are the means, if they don’t tempt me to sin? If they’re just a bit of unserious fun? Is levity always sinful? Can sinful songs be listened to in an unserious way?

I haven’t figured all of this out yet, obviously. But, this train of thought did lead me back to some of the songs that, historically, I’ve used therapeutically, to kind of help drag myself out of the depths of an intensely negative mental place. Also, being currently nine weeks postpartum, my brain’s been… not exactly in a super negative place, but just a really weird and erratic place (as you may have observed if you saw my most recent Rant, lol), so, I’ve been leaning on my music habit a bit more than I do when it’s at peak function.

All of which has inspired me to make another Top Ten for you. Not all of these songs are “bad” – in fact some of these are actually good, I think! See, my taste in music doesn’t completely suck. However, be advised that a lot of these songs are Bad, NSFW, and probably not good to listen to under normal circumstances.

Although all of these songs have a therapeutic affect on me, I probably wouldn’t put them all on a single playlist. For example, I’d have to be in very different moods to listen to 17 and 10, vs. something like 13 or 9; very different moods for 16 or 14 vs. 15 or 3. Some of these are for when you’re at rock bottom and want nothing to do with the world (17, 10, 7, 6, 5, 2, 1), others are for when you’re kind of just struggling with an annoying intrusive feeling (14, 13, 12, 3, 1) or recovering from a cringey interaction or misunderstanding (16, 13, 11, 8, 4). Some songs are better for combating the ED thoughts (17, 14, 9, 7, 6, 5, 2), while some are better for when AvPD symptoms are especially uncomfortable (16, 15, 13, 12, 11, 10, 8, 6, 4, 3, 2, 1). A few of these, like 1, 2, 5, or 6, could be used just about anytime; songs like that are such a blessing.

For fun, because I’m someone who enjoys a bit of synesthesia, I’m including the color that each song has for me.

Without further ado:

17. Monument by Mirah. Once upon a time in ED group therapy, one of the girls in the group made a mix CD for all of us (this was in like 2008 when CDs were still a thing). And this song was on the mix CD. It’s the only song I’ve ever heard that, imo, seems to deal directly with the topic of ED recovery. It’s a really pretty little song that feels like a friend talking to you; its color, for me, is mauve, kind of a dusty purplish raspberry.

16. Blind To You by Collie Buddz. Discovered this one during a short-lived reggae fusion phase that I had in summer ‘14, and it got me through some uncomfortable days at my job! This one’s definitely the yellow-orange of Kraft macaroni and cheese.

15. Smothered by Spineshank. There is indeed a time and place for nu metal. I’ve been into this song since eighth grade, and its cathartic power has not weakened in twenty-odd years. To me, this is dark bottle green or hunter green.

14. Roll It Gal by Alison Hinds. Picture, if you will, a creepy, sullen, stick-thin, deathly pale girl in a black jacket, gray jeans, and black leather ankle boots haphazardly striped with an excess of steel zippers, skulking down the sidewalk of a picturesque, historic Southern college campus, death-glaring straight ahead as if oblivious to everyone around her… while listening to this song on her headphones. This was me in 2011. This song is bright teal-green.

13. Go Crazy by Megan Thee Stallion (ft. Big Sean and 2 Chainz). “Why I gotta prove myself to bitches that I’m better than?” That’s a rhetorical question, of course. Megan certainly does not. This song is red, a bright purplish red.

12. Back Up by Dej Loaf (coincidentally, also ft. Big Sean). “I’m very antisocial, social network ain’t my motion.” Right?! This is another one that I’d blast in my car on the way home from a shitty day at work, after a client or coworker had pissed me off. Definitely dark teal-blue.

11. See The Light by Ghost. As you know if you frequent this blog, I have mixed feelings about this band. I used to be a superfan, but now avoid them as a rule, because they’re extremely blasphemous, which is unfortunate, because Tobias is such a good songwriter and performer, and some of their songs sound really good and are extremely satisfying when you’re in a certain mood. Lyrically this one is pretty vague, so I think one can still listen to it in good conscience, although it’s questionable. Its color is dark gold to me.

10. Disaster in a Halo by Ours. Of all the songs on this list, this one’s been with me the longest. The album Precious came out in 2002, and that’s when I got into it. As serious and sad as this song is, I have one memory of it that still makes me lol every time: at some point during my early teen years, I was watching a recording of a live performance of this song on the TV in my family’s living room, absolutely rapt because it was like some special footage that had just come out on DVD or something (this was before YouTube); and in the middle of it, my dad walks through the room, pauses, listens for a moment, and then goes: “huh! I guess nothing matters to that guy.” His sarcasm is so dry it still sometimes goes over my head, and he’s been my dad for 36 years. Anyway, this song is a combination of light ochre brown and grayish sky blue.

9. Say So by Migos. I used to crank this one when I was at odds with anyone in my life. “I know a real bitch, she say that it’s a fake world/ And she don’t surround herself by none of you fake girls.” Also I love that they describe cellulite as “sexy” in this song; thank you for that. Sometimes, this one could get me through a “fat” moment or day. This song is dark red to me, like burgundy or a dark brick red.

8. The Flute Song by Russ. “People are shady as fuck, I keep to myself, but I feel the energy though” — that always made me feel better about being the resident creepy weirdo wherever I went, about not having any friends; as if being socially inept were badass. It still works for me tbh. This one is a dark cerulean blue.

7. The Worst Things Beautiful by Ours. This song was kind of a literal Godsend for me. I first heard it on the car radio as I was driving home from the aforementioned ED group therapy one evening. I still remember exactly where I was. And listening to it, I was like: “isn’t that Jimmy?!” because at this point I’d been a serious fan of his for about seven years (which doesn’t seem that long at all to me now, but at that point it was over a third of my life), and I’d known he’d been working on a new album but had no idea when it would be out. And then this song just randomly came on the radio. It sounded so different from his older stuff, a whole new perspective from him; but just as good; the lyrics spoke to me very much at the time. Like most of his songs, this one is also in shades of golden-brown and blue.

6. Poem by Taproot. I was listening to this one when I was a tortured angsty seventh grader, and still love it just the same. Why doesn’t mainstream rock sound this good anymore? This is like the most validating song for when you feel like shit. It’s angry but also reassuring. For some reason it’s purple to me, kind of an eggplant purple; I think because it was track six on the first mix CD I ever made for myself, and the number six is indisputably purple (perhaps this is subconsciously why I ended up putting it at #6 on this list).

5. Überlin by REM. There’s been times when all I could do was lie there listening to this song on repeat. I swear, it has the most comforting chorus ever written for secular pop music. “I will make it through the day and then the day becomes the night/ I will make it through the night.” Sometimes I still play this song, or hum it to myself, or even just think about it when I need to remember that this too shall pass. This song for me is orange.

4. IDFWU by Big Sean (ft. E-40). Ok but why is Big Sean on this list three times?! I guess he just has that kind of attitude. This is THE song for when someone’s behavior is getting under your skin. It’s very yellow to me.

3. Due by MSI. (I used to be so into this band! Listening to them now gives me violent flashbacks to college – like, I can freaking smell the place, wow.) According to YouTube comments, I’m far from the only one who has a certain reaction to this song: it hits just right when you’re miserable, it strikes just the right nerve. Like #2 and #1, it expresses frustration so purely and precisely. Like if you want to kick someone, just listen to this song instead. It’s a lot of dark blues and bright greens in this one.

2. Superman’s Dead by Our Lady Peace. Something about Raine Maida’s songwriting and singing cuts me all the way to the bone, idk what it is. There’s this urgency to what he’s singing. And sincerity. And just the way it opens – “do you worry that you’re not liked/ how long till you break” I mean, dang, ok. Is it just me, or do you also feel very seen and understood by this song? I can listen to it endlessly. I put this in spot #2 but it’s really a tie for #1. Like many of their songs, this one is intensely blue to me.

1. Cirice by Ghost. I’ve talked in a different Top 10 list already about how much I love this song and how it helped me survive a rough patch. So I won’t go on and on now. Similar to #2, this song makes you feel like he’s seeing into your soul and validating everything there that you hide from the world. Dark red, for this one, I mean obviously – you probably don’t even have to experience synesthesia yourself to know that this one sounds blood red.