Let’s stop commenting on people’s body size. Pregnant or not.

As a mom who’s currently 26 weeks and change with my fourth baby, this has become a serious pet peeve of mine. You wouldn’t comment on a woman’s body size in casual conversation if she’s not pregnant (unless you’re a complete asshole); so why do we assume it’s okay to do to a pregnant lady?

The comment I get most frequently – from strangers, acquaintances, and even from doctors and midwives, who you would think would know better – is: “You’re barely showing! You’re so small! You’re tiny!” And, I hate that shit. I don’t know if these people think they’re giving me a compliment, but I wish they’d just stop.

I hate being told I’m tiny and barely showing, because it makes me self-conscious about my general, non-pregnant body size. When someone says “you’re tiny,” what I hear is, “you’re such a fat fucking tank of a person that your body hides the entire pregnancy inside its great bulk, and we can’t even tell, like, compared to a normal, attractive, stick-thin mom with an actual waistline, who would already have a round visible bump at like 8 weeks along.”

(Which, is actually not even true of me. Objectively, I’m a medium-sized person with a very “normal” BMI (not that the BMI scale is at all meaningful w/r/t a person’s health or appearance – it’s definitely not, in fact it’s BS, but that’s a rant for another day). I unfortunately just have the sort of wide, sturdy body frame that carries babies really comfortably. Big hands, big feet, no waist, thick ankles: built like a freaking tree trunk. But, on the plus side, I never get serious back pain or groin pain or swelling or anything like that, during pregnancy, and have worked out daily, with relative ease, right up until delivery, every single time. I’ve never needed a pregnancy pillow for my bed or a support band for my belly. I also don’t get stretch marks at all, and bounce back to my normal size pretty much immediately after birth every time. So, you win some, you lose some.)

It’s also triggering because, for many years, I never knew if I’d be able to get pregnant, and always dreamed of being visibly pregnant, so that people would look at me and know. I wanted to need a pregnancy pillow and a support band; I wanted to complain about back pain. And in reality I pretty much don’t get to have that experience – which, I’m lucky that this is the thing I get to complain about; I ended up having no trouble conceiving or giving birth, unlike many women out there, and in the grand scheme of things this is not that big a deal; but, it definitely makes me feel like less of a mom, less of a pregnant woman, less of a woman in general, when people say “you’re due so soon?! But you’re barely showing, I never would have guessed!”

Maybe these people really mean well, with the “you’re barely showing” comments, and it’s just my ED history piping up, making me take their words the wrong way. But even if that’s the case, I don’t think that makes it appropriate at all to comment on someone’s body size.

And I’ve been guilty of this myself, in the past. I hate that. I remember, back before I ever had kids of my own, a coworker of mine was pregnant, and all of us at the salon, including myself, were constantly playfully teasing her like “oh my gosh, you’re huge! You’re only in the second trimester?! Are you sure it’s not twins? How could you possibly get any bigger?!” and other such horrible, insensitive nonsense. I wish I could go back in time and smack myself, and apologize to that poor girl, who was having a hard enough time already.

But then, a couple years later, I had my first pregnancy, and quickly realized how awful it is that suddenly everyone in the world thinks it’s okay to shamelessly judge your body, out loud, in public, as if you’re on freaking America’s Next Top Model or something. It’s hard enough being a female and a mom, in this world. Leave pregnant ladies alone.

The rules are pretty simple. I will spell it out in two steps. If you see a woman who looks pregnant, step one is: don’t assume that she is pregnant! No matter how obvious it seems! She might have painful inflammation, or bloat, or a tumor. You truly do not know. Don’t assume, and don’t ask. Step two is: once she tells you that she is pregnant, there is only one (1) acceptable thing that you can say about her physical appearance, and that is: “you look great!”

Never comment on someone’s body size. This includes complimenting someone’s weight loss. Never compliment someone for losing weight. This is another rule that everyone should live by. I can’t tell you how horrible it was for me, during the days of my active ED, for people to tell me: “wow, you’re so skinny! I wish I looked like you.” “Wow, you’ve really lost weight!” “You’re so lucky you’re skinny.” That absolutely fucked me up, when I was in the thick of it. Even a friendly, innocuous-seeming “congrats, you’ve lost weight, you look great” can make a person think to themselves: “oh, so I looked awful before?” It really feeds a disordered mindset. Also, a person might be losing weight due to depression, a personal crisis, or cancer. You don’t know. Just don’t comment on someone’s body size.

Even if you think you’re giving a compliment and it’s not about weight loss – just don’t comment on someone’s body size! “You’re so thin, I wish I looked like you:” that person might be super insecure about their small body, maybe they were picked on for it as a kid, or maybe they’re very sick. “You’re so pretty, your body is perfect:” that would easily make someone feel objectified, to know that people are looking at their body and rating it on some weird scale. Or worry that if they change anything or gain a single pound or age a few years, they won’t be “perfect” anymore. Just don’t comment on someone’s body size. It’s simple.

“But Mith,” you might be arguing: “not everyone is as oversensitive and paranoid as you are! Most people in the world are normal, and can take a compliment or a benign remark without it causing a whole mental breakdown.”

Maybe so, but I daresay even normies are vulnerable to developing an eating disorder or exercise addiction, if they hear these kinds of comments enough. And even normies would probably be pretty bothered if someone complimented their weight loss and it was the result of their going through a nasty divorce, or losing a loved one, or undergoing major surgery. And, even if “most people” wouldn’t be bothered, that doesn’t mean it’s okay to just disregard that lesser percentage of people who would be injured by such comments. You don’t know if you’re dealing with someone who has an ED or any kind of mental/emotional baggage about their body. If you’re a decent person, you don’t want to risk harming someone.

And it’s not even hard to do. I’m not asking you to do any mental gymnastics or make any great allowances when it comes to interacting with pregnant women. I’m not asking you to go out of your way. It literally requires no additional mental or physical effort on your behalf to simply not comment on someone’s body size or shape.

In conclusion: I will say it again: just don’t comment on someone’s body! It’s seriously not that hard! Thanks for reading.