What tattoo do I want? On the contrary, I have a lot of them (approximately ten), and wish that I could afford to get them all removed!
I hate that I have visible tattoos. I got all of them between the ages of 18 and 29, and each time I added a new one, my Dad was like: “you know that’s permanent, right?” and my smart ass was all “oH rEaLlY??!” but, soon after turning thirty, I realized that I had to admit that he was right. I regret all of them.
As some of you know, I converted to Catholicism around age 25, but still struggled to actually be a Catholic, up until age 29 or 30 when I quit drinking. (Not that it’s not still a struggle, lol, but, I was a real heathen in my drinking days.) The modern Church is pretty loosey-goosey when it comes to the morality of tattoos – I mean, even Fr. Mike got a tattoo, and posted a whole video about it – so, no one ever really told me it was wrong. (That’s the modern Church for you.) It was only within the last year or so that I switched from a modern/mainstream to a Traditional parish, where they do things correctly, and in the world of real Catholicism, tattoos are a big no-no. Not such a big no-no that they’d shun a parishioner for having them – no one’s ever made me feel unwelcome there! – but, you do definitely want to cover them up, if you have them, and getting another one would likely be considered sinful. I won’t go into the reasons why, because I’m not here to defend the faith, nor am I qualified to be a catechist. Suffice it to say that this is what I now believe.
Most of mine are on my arms. When I got them, I wanted them to be visible. I wanted people to see how “cool” and “unique” and “deeply tortured” I was. Now, I hate that they’re hard to hide. I mean, I guess I could wear long sleeves all day every day, which would probably be a good and modest thing to do anyway; pretty sure the “Marylike dress” standards of modesty dictate sleeves that cover the elbow, and I’m always telling myself that I should try harder to adhere to that standard. But, unfortunately, I live in a state that’s really freaking hot seven months out of the year, and I hate being hot, ugh, I hate it so much. Perhaps if I were better at mortifying my senses and living according to the spirit and not the flesh, et cetera, I would be more modest. I already wear ankle-length skirts no matter the weather, but, long sleeves in summer: I just can’t.
I hate when strangers ask about them. Even if they’re being polite – “oh, that’s a really cool tattoo! What does it mean?” – I just cringe and wither. I’ve started responding with: “oh, it just means that I was an idiot in my twenties, and can’t afford laser removal yet, ha ha.”
I hate that my kids will grow up with a tattooed mom – that I will have to explain to them that these were not a good idea, this is not something that you should do, these were a stupid mistake. It’s almost as embarrassing as having self-harm scars, which are another thing I’ll probably have to explain to them one day.
And I hate mingling with other Catholic moms and families with my tattoos showing. Sometimes on a hot day, as I’m hustling my three little kids out the door for storytime or some event, I forget to grab a cardigan, and end up being the awkward creepy mom with the tattooed arms, the only tattooed person in a roomful of nice, wholesome, upright, well-adjusted Catholics. These stupid things are just an uncomfortable reminder of how little I fit in with the people I’d like to fit in with.
It’s just that, when I got these stupid tattoos done, I was in my “fuck it” phase. I didn’t think there was a future for me, or that, if there were, it’d be anything meaningful. I truly didn’t think my body was worth preserving. I was pretty much in active self-destruct mode for the majority of my twenties, so, I guess the tattoos are just another unfortunate symptom of that.
And the worst part is, most of mine are not even good. Because of my crippling social anxiety, I never took the time to seek out really good artists, or speak up if a design wasn’t exactly what I wanted it to be, or to ask around for advice. I’d just slink in, half-drunk, and show them what I wanted, and after, no matter how it had turned out, express effusive gratitude and praise because I was so embarrassed that this person had spent time with my gross body. So a couple of mine are actually really bad and not what I wanted at all. Which is not even how real tattooees get their tattoos. I just wanted to be cool so badly – I’m like that guy from the Offspring song (“he asked for a 13 but they drew a 31!”).
There are two that I regret less than the others, though. My favorite one is the only one that I had done by this really cool artist who happened to be a Christian: his studio was the one where I felt the least uncomfortable and sad. I would have loved to go to him again, but sadly, he relocated out of state. The idea that he realized for me is one of a lily with a passage of poetry around it that I really like; plus, it’s on an upper bicep where I can pretty easily hide most of it without long sleeves. So, that’s not too bad. And the other one that I don’t regret as much as the others is in another place that’s relatively easy to hide. It’s the initials of the four “imaginary friends” that I came up with in middle school and who have accompanied me since then, for almost two-thirds of my life; they’ve kept me afloat during some difficult times, and I love them dearly. I wish that particular tattoo were more neatly executed, but nonetheless, I like that one the most because it feels the most “true to myself,” and is also the most innocuous. I also really like not explaining this one to people when they ask, lol.
I’m not judging anyone who gets tattoos and likes them. A lot of my friends have them. I actually think they can look really nice, on some people, and tbh I still find them really attractive if they’re in the right place and well-done. But, it’s not for me. As a mom on a tight budget, I just groan inwardly at the mere thought of how many hundreds of dollars I wasted on something as useless and regrettable as tattoos that are not even that good.
MiTHology (4.0) 