Caution: SPOILERS for season 1 and 2 of Yellowjackets!

Keep in mind that, as I write this, I have finished season two, but not yet started season three, so these rankings are based entirely off of the first two seasons. I’ve heard it said that the show jumps the shark after season two, which, I really hope it doesn’t, because these first two seasons were phenomenal. But I won’t be surprised if it does, because, let’s be honest, it’s pretty rare that a show actually maintains its season one and two energy into the third season and beyond.

(ETA: Sad to confirm that it did jump the shark. I’m now two episodes into season three, and may have to quit; disappointed is an understatement. Did they fire all their old writers and replace them with a team of middle school students? What the heck?! But, season one and two are still gold.)

This show is exceptional, for me, thus far, in that it sticks with me more than most other shows I enjoy. I’ve dreamed about this show at least three times since starting it, which, I never dream about shows or movies, no matter how much I like them! My favorite show ever is probably Succession, and I adore its cast of characters, but I’ve had exactly zero dreams about it. I’ve never even dreamed about the movie The Wicker Man (’06), and I literally wrote fanfiction about that one.

I wonder what it is about this show. I think it’s that it has great characters and a healthy dose of the interpersonal drama/romance that I love so much, but also a simple and truly nightmarish premise. One of my recurring nightmares is that I’ve somehow accidentally committed murder and am now being sought by the police (stemming from all my shame/guilt, or fear of being known for how awful I really am? Idk!), so stories with this plot thread always really get to me! They also use music really well (“Lightning Crashes,” for example: that was genius), which always drives a scene home really strongly and makes it cut extra deep.

I have only two complaints about Yellowjackets: first, predictably, the sexual content is a too heavy and graphic at times, and feels really fanservicey. And second, the “going into labor” scenes were extremely Hollywood. I’m so sick of these TV/movie depictions of labor! Especially as a first time mom, it’d be extremely, extremely unlikely that Shauna would go from zero to 100 like that. Just walking along minding her business and then suddenly she’s doubled over screaming like she’s being murdered? No. I wish the entertainment industry would stop perpetuating this ridiculous idea that this is how labor goes, because 99.9% of the time, it’s not, and it freaks people out (first time moms everywhere be like “what if I go into labor at work?! 😱” girl, no worries if you do!, because tbh you probably still have a few hours before it even gets painful!!). For a more accurate portrayal of early labor, see the Pam going into labor episode of The Office.

But, I digress. For the sake of keeping things concise, I have limited this list to characters who were actually in the wilderness – even though some of the very best characters in the show were not there, especially Jeff, Adam, and Walter. I love all three of these for different reasons: Jeff is just so charmingly normal (the “Last Resort” scene in his car hits the nail on the head), plus his loyalty to his wife is endearing; poor Adam is so pure and sweet; and Walter is just hilariously freaking psychotic.

Not that I’d particularly want to have coffee with any of these characters. Even if they weren’t dangerous, I have AvPD, as you know, which has always formed this thick impenetrable barrier between me and other people. “People that I like and admire and would, in theory, like to befriend” and “people that I can actually hang out with” have often (not always) been very different people, for me, simply because socializing is too hard and scary. Approachability is the main predictor of my ability to hang out with a person. I probably wouldn’t socialize with any of these characters, irl; they’re all sporty and talented and super intimidating. But, if I had to:

14. Mari. She’s just super unpleasant and bitchy! I have yet to see her do or say a single redeeming thing. She certainly wouldn’t like me any more than I like her. She’d probably order something iced and complicated with a long made-up name and an extra shot of this that and the other thing.

13. Travis. Nothing against him, he just doesn’t seem that interesting to me. Just your typical basic guy, and not super outgoing so he probably wouldn’t want to be there. I feel like he’d order a regular Americano, hot, with like one sugar packet but no cream.

12. Taissa. Even if not for the whole creepy red-eyed dissociative murder personality thing, I just don’t think she and I would have much to talk about. She seems super liberal and also a real high-achieving, go-getter type with a lot of money, so, I just don’t find her very relatable. Would love to get her advice on hair care, though, as I also have fine curls and hers are stunning. I bet she’d order something super caffeinated, like just straight shots of espresso.

11. Jackie. She’s actually one of my favorite characters. I like that the show turned the stereotype on its head: with Jackie being the hot rich girl and the group’s ringleader, you expect her to be the most evil, but she’s actually one of the sweetest and kindest and most naïve – poor thing. I don’t think she and I would get along though, lol, girls like her did not click with weird creepy girls like me. She’d definitely order whatever was on trend and in season: a Pink Drink in summer, a pumpkin spice latté in fall, etc.

10. Natalie. She, not Jackie, is the girl I most wanted to be in middle and high school, and if I’d been making this list back then, she’d probably be my #1. I always envied not the preppy girls, but the scene queens, the ones who hung out with the bad guys, the edgy and troubled and dangerous girls who seemed unbothered by rules or anyone’s opinions. But, she’d find me spectacularly boring, I have no doubt, especially with me being sober. For coffee, I’m sure she’d order a basic drip and then spike it with liquor from her purse.

9. Misty. Undoubtedly the most interesting character on the show, and the craziest. I find her, at times, uncomfortably sympathetic. But, I am also terrified of her, and would not want to do anything to get on her bad side, so I’d be on eggshells the entire coffee date, and probably try to keep her talking about benign things like musicals (I hate musicals) and birds. She’d probably order an extra foamy cappuccino with like vanilla or almond flavor.

8. Coach Scott. Poor Coach! I was really rooting for him when he did what he did in the season 2 finale. He might be the last sane one left, at this point. But, with him being a jock and a man and gay, I don’t think we’d have much to talk about over coffee; maybe books? We do see him reading fairly often in the show. I think he’d be the type to order a grande dark roast and add oat milk, but no sugar.

7. Shauna. I find her basically the most relatable character, which is why her storyline disturbs me so much. If she hadn’t been through all that trauma, imagine what she’d be like! She’s a writer like me, so maybe we’d have some things in common. But, I am also terrified of her, and would not actually enjoy hanging out with her for this reason. I can see her ordering something with hazelnut, like a small latté or a macchiato.

6. Van. She seems really chill and likeable, both as a kid and as an adult. I doubt we’d really click, but as adults I’d enjoy picking her brain about ‘90s nostalgia and trivia, and she seems funny. Definitely a plain black coffee type, probably from a McDonald’s drive-thru.

5. Crystal/Kristen. She didn’t deserve her ending! She seems sweet and easy to talk to, so I think a coffee date with her would be pretty pleasant. I think she’d order something frozen and blended with lots of shameless extras, like mocha syrup and chocolate chunks.

4. Javi. Another who didn’t deserve his ending. He’s soft-spoken and awkward like me, so it’d probably be a super awkward coffee date with a lot of long silences. But he’s an artist, as well as a younger sibling, so we might have some things in common. He seems like a tea drinker, maybe black tea.

3. Akilah. I love her! I felt so bad when little Nugget turned out to be a shriveled corpse. She has such a gentle and nurturing personality. I’d love to talk about babies with her. I think she would go for a nice hot latté with a cookie on the side.

2. Lottie. Cult leader antics aside, she seems like a well-intentioned person (volunteering herself as Shauna’s punching bag without even flinching once: damn), as well as obviously highly interesting, with her special abilities and all. I’d be happy to listen to her talk about whatever. Definitely a green tea lady, specifically the loose leaf kind.

And finally, the one I’d be least uncomfortable around:

1. Laura Lee. Obviously! It’s a good thing she died when she did, because she was too good for what befalls the rest of them. Even though she’s Protestant and I’m Catholic, I imagine she and I would have more in common than I would with anyone else on the show. In any case, Christian charity would obligate her to be nice to me even if she didn’t like me, so I think it’d go alright. She would definitely order hot cocoa with marshmallows.