“No two feet are the same, even in humans; so why do they have to be the same in penguins?” — Audri, piping stained glass penguins

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Holiday Baking is back! Just the mood boost I needed, on the depressing night of Election Day as the results rolled in, and my beautiful state proved that it’s becoming stupider, shittier, and more degenerate by the day. Massively depressing. But at least there is cake to look at!

How are we feeling about Season 13 so far, you guys? I miss Nancy; she was such a fixture on this show! But, Molly is fun to watch too, and I think she’s doing a fine job.

I know, I know, everyone’s still mad at Molly for Spring Baking Season 8, which I’ll admit was disastrous; I was a huge fan of Romy, and cheered for him all the way; but come on, guys, you do realize Molly wasn’t responsible for any of that, right? She didn’t write the challenges. She didn’t choose the sprinkles or the cookie salad. She just showed up and did what the producers told her to do. That was all Food Network’s fault for trying to make the show all about Molly, because, you must admit, Molly is an adorable and delightful little person — they probably thought it would up their ratings. It wasn’t Molly’s fault. Don’t get me wrong, I am glad Jesse is hosting. You all know I adore Jesse! He’s such a gracious and talented host.

But I must say, Season 12 was a hard act to follow. The cast was so hilarious; they had the most delightful dynamics together, they had little Nico, and of course they had Charles. As you all may be aware, I am Charles Zimmerman’s #1 fan, and was obsessed with him as a contestant from the very first episode. Although I like a lot of Season 13’s competitors, none of them are from my hometown like Charles was, or make me quite as excited as Charles did.

Actually, I follow Charles on Instagram, and he posted in his stories that this year’s Hailey actually interned at his country club, so she has a connection to Charles! That’s pretty exciting, and almost enough to make her my automatic favorite…

However, my favorite this time is definitely Curtis. I love the way he talks, love his poise and laid-back intelligence, love the adoring way he talks about his family back home, and love that he’s representing Atlanta — Black Southern chefs are usually top tier and bring the best, most decadent flavors, and Curtis definitely holds true to that: his devil’s food cake in the Main Heat, whoo! I almost died just from looking at it. You can see why he’s won awards for his cakes. I hope he wins.

My official prediction for the winner, though: probably Christina. Not only is she extremely good — both her spiced chai maple cheesecake and her Black Forest cake got rave reviews from the judges — but she’s also cute as a button and has what she herself describes as a “chaotic, hilarious, and positive” personality; the camera absolutely loves her. (I do wish she would pronounce “mascarpone” correctly, though; “marscapone” sounds even ickier and more grating to my ears than “expresso” (looking at you, Curtis! — but I can excuse that one).) I have a strong feeling they’re building Christina up to be the winner.

But who knows? So many of the bakers did so well. On the Reindeer team, there’s Audri, the “tiny but mighty” 22-year-old home bakery owner from Texas, bubbly and expressive (and also the only one who nailed the stained glass design challenge, even without the advantage of the fancy tools!); Andy, the older dad of two twentysomethings who, due to his experience, has become the designated taste tester and flavor advisor for his team; Hailey, the bright young Jewish girl who’s a peaceful breath of fresh air on this hectic set; Dyana, the striking “rockabilly” baker/songstress with her distinctive retro style and her take-charge attitude; and then they have the aforementioned Christina and Curtis.

Then on the Elf team, there’s Montanna, the aspiring houswife whose charisma and attitude are so fun to watch; Fin, the baby-faced 23-year-old Matt Damon lookalike with the bougie skill set (that cream cheese Italian buttercream on his carrot cake!); Jeremy aka “JerBear,” probably the wildest character on the set this year, with his colorful shameless flamboyance — and with his funny, articulate, highly-observant and carefully-composed manner of speaking, I can almost guarantee that he is either a writer or some kind of neurodivergent or both; then there’s Jessie, the lovely Hispanic grandmother whom Curtis called a “sleeper” because she looks harmless but actually runs a pastry school and has a dangerous amount of skill and talent; Isabell, the clever Korean tomboy with a chill sense of humor who’s apparently a master of textures; and then, finally, we had Jean, the older mom who’s also caretaker to three shih tzus and a flock of chickens and had an open crush on Jesse (it’s funny, isn’t it, how when there’s a gorgeous male on TV, all the women and gay men are allowed to flirt mercilessly and objectify to their heart’s content, but when it’s a gorgeous woman, it is not the same rules at all, and it’d be majorly offensive if the men talked about her that way; not complaining about this as I don’t necessarily think it’s wrong, it’s just a funny pattern to observe). Unfortunately we lost Jean. I really liked her — one of ten siblings, how cool is that! — and hoped that she would last longer.

Although, I will say I raised an eyebrow when she said that ermine buttercream was “the only thing that goes with red velvet” — as a Southerner, what?! Excuse me? Ermine buttercream sounds cool, and I have mad respect for her technique… but for red velvet, it’s gotta be cream cheese frosting all the way. So I felt pretty vindicated when Kardea (a fellow Southerner and my personal favorite Food Network star) was like: “this needs tang, its needs cream cheese frosting, is it even red velvet cake?” My late friend J was a huge fan of red velvet cake and also from the South, so I felt like he was here in spirit for this moment.

Not sure how I feel about Food Network’s decision to do the whole “teams” thing again. I don’t love it, but at least it’s just for the first four challenges, Jesse assured us. So at least there’s that. Also, I’m dying to know how they chose the teams. Jesse said they carefully studied each contestant’s “resume,” but did they really or was that part of the bit? Was the division just random?

And the whole “Santa’s Workshop” theme, like they’re all “new hires” at Santa, Inc… eh, I guess it’s supposed to be corny, that’s part of the fun. I dunno, I guess I miss Charles. Will somebody get that man his own baking show? What are your thoughts thus far, if you’re watching?! Leave me all of your comments, please.

Oh, and one last thing! You’ll notice I am once again this year in my Stats section tallying up the number of times the camera zooms in on Duff’s Gaping Maw. I mean no shade to Duff by this expression. I just love the enthusiastic way that Duff takes bites of food! Can we take a second to compare him to Nigella on GBBO? Everyone has been losing their shit about the way Nigella takes bites, like, they’re acting absolutely scandalized by the fact that a woman has an appetite and enjoys eating, and they just can’t shut up about it — meanwhile, on this side of the Atlantic, Duff has been taking these hilariously massive bug-eyed bites for years now, and no one has ever breathed a word about it. Talk about double standards for men and women! I for one love to see anyone, regardless of gender, shamelessly enjoying food, especially if they’re a professional food enjoyer like Duff and Nigella. So when I keep count of Duff’s Maw shots, know that it’s all in fun.

Anyway, here’s the recap:

Preheat: “Employee Profile” Dessert that illustrates what you love about the holidays; the team with the most successful desserts wins an advantage in next challenge

• Christina: spiced chai maple cheesecake with speculoos brown sugar crust
• Audri: pecan cinnamon roll blondie with pecan cream cheese frosting
• Montanna: Irish cream chocolate petit gateau with sablé cookie and chocolate glaze
• Jean: meringue-topped hot chocolate cream puffs filled with white and milk chocolate ganaches
• Fin: peppermint mocha yule log with coffee chocolate ganache
• Andy: gingerbread cake yule log with citrus cream cheese filling and cranberry marmalade
• Jeremy: bourbon chocolate peanut butter mousse tart with graham crackers, pretzels, and potato chips
• Curtis: spiced eggnog cake with eggnog cream cheese mousse and white chocolate eggnog snow
• Jessie: pistachio chocolate standing spiral cake with wafer paper bark, chocolate cream cheese, and pistachio crunch
• Hailey: cranberry and spiced eggnog frangipane tarts with white chocolate eggnog mousse and “Hannukah Bush” decorations
• Dyana: coconut rum cranberry chiffon cake with cranberry-raspberry gelee and mascarpone whip
• Isabell: brown sugar gingerbread mousse cake with brown butter pears and apple brandy whip in a chocolate gingerbread house

Challenge Winner: Elf Team

Individual winners: Reindeer: Christina, Elves: Jessie

Main Heat: Stained Glass Cakes; elf team got the advantage of using edible stained glass kit with ready-made isolmalt

• Christina: Black Forest cake with port cherry filling and white chocolate mascarpone, wrapped in chocolate bark
• Curtis: espresso chocolate devil’s food cake with peanut butter cream cheese mousse and espresso buttercream
• Dyana: caramel pecan oatmeal spice chiffon cake
• Montanna: lemon olive oil cake with Earl Grey Swiss buttercream
• Jean: red velvet cake with cayenne caramelized pecans and ermine buttercream
• Hailey: spiced orange butter cookie cake with spiced orange cream cheese buttercream
• Andy: red velvet cake with peppermint mousse and milk chocolate Bavarian mousse
• Audri: orange cranberry spice cake
• Isabell: chocolate maple pecan stout cake with maple buttercream
• Jeremy: caramel hazelnut banan cake with chocolate feulletine base
• Fin: spiced carrot cake with maple salted walnuts and cream cheese Italian buttercream
• Jessie: vanilla champagne white chocolate goat cheese apricot cake

Winning Team: Reindeer

Individual Challenge Winner: Andy

Bottom Two: Jean and Jessie

Sent Home: Jean

STATS:

Dead Relatives Mentioned: 1, Montanna’s grandma

Duff’s Gaping Maw Spotted: 13 times

Superlatives Delivered: 1: Molly to Christina, “best cheesecake ever”

Yummiest Dessert: Curtis’s devil’s food cake with peanut butter cream cheese. No contest.

Prettiest Dessert: Even though Audri was the only one who nailed the stained glass design, I actually really loved Montanna’s design, with the indigo-blue spraypaint and glitter; Duff called it sloppy, but I thought it looked mystical!