Here is an unpopular opinion that a lot of people are going to hate me for: people should drive the speed limit.

First of all for the pretty obvious reason that it’s the law, and we shouldn’t break the law.

But also: when I was learning to drive, one of my best instructors was my older sister; and one of the best pieces of advice that she gave me was: “So many accidents could be avoided if people would just slow the f*** down.”

And it’s absolutely true. So I really try to live by that. Sure, like most people, I’ve gotten a couple of speeding tickets in my day. I tend to drive faster if I’m comfortably familiar with the location, have a lot on my mind, and/or am listening to music, all of which sometimes make me forget that I’m driving a car. But the vast majority of the time, I’m that driver that you hate to get stuck behind because I drive the freaking speed limit; five over or under, depending.

I mean come on. Why are you in such a hurry? Didn’t you leave on time? Maybe you should try waking up on time and leaving your house in a timely manner. Or what else is it? Is it just that you’re so important and cool that you just gotta drive fast because that’s what cool important people do?

One of my biggest pet peeves is tailgaters. If I’m driving the speed limit, or even five or ten over, for goodness’ sake, and you are tailgating me – or even if I’m driving under the speed limit, for that matter: I have two questions for you.

One: what are you trying to accomplish? Do you think that, by sitting there half an inch from my rear bumper, you are going to make me go faster? When has that ever worked for you? Tell me, has there ever been a time when you thought “gee, I wish this person in front of me would drive faster, maybe if I ride their butt they’ll get the message and speed up,” and they proceeded to actually speed up enough to appease you? Does that really work?

And two: did you pause to consider that, when you are half an inch from my rear bumper, you have no reaction time whatsoever if I should brake? At such a short distance, even me lightly and gradually pressing the brakes is going to put us both in a dangerous situation, because frankly you can’t even see my tail lights you’re so close.

Reaction time is something that I stress about a lot, in a car. In driver’s ed it was taught that there should always be at least one car length between you and the car in front of you, and that’s another thing that I live by. When passing, I always wait until the entirety of the vehicle that I’m passing is visible in my rearview – that I can see its tires touching the road – before I move back into the right lane. People sliding back and forth between cars with inches to spare, always give me a heart attack. What are you doing? Do you think this is freaking Tokyo Drift? Calm down.

“Calm down” – I suppose you’re probably thinking that I should take that advice myself. And yes, it’s true that I have some driving anxiety. In my driving test in high school, I got dinged for waiting too long to turn left out of a parking lot, because I got nervous every time I saw a car coming. That was literally half my life ago, and I still do this. Sometimes I will turn right and add twenty minutes to my drive to avoid turning left! (I’m like Zoolander, allergic to left turns.) And yes, I hate merging, and yes, I drive the speed limit. I am nervous.

But why the heck would anyone in their right mind not be nervous about driving? The average car weighs, according to Google, about 4100 pounds. And on average there are 114 fatal car crashes in the US daily. It’s a terrifying means of travel. I hate cars. Can more people start to take seriously how dangerous driving is, and how just a mere blink of a moment of inattention or the slightest lapse in judgment can kill people?

Especially if you’re going too fast!!!

This has annoyed me more, and made me angrier, ever since becoming a parent. I now drive with three little kids in the car. And when you are speeding around me, or tailgating, or pretending it’s Tokyo Drift like you’re some important hotshot, you are putting my kids in danger. The Christian charity to which I am obligated admittedly runs out, at this point. I have no patience with you.

So many accidents could be avoided if people would just slow the f*** down. Don’t even get me started on screen use in cars. I can’t tell you how many dinkuses I see driving around with their smartphones in front of their faces. It’s enough to make me seriously consider moving to a city like NYC or some European metropolis where there are trains and subways and I’ll never have to drive again, or worry about teaching my children to drive. Cars are an abomination; even more so when you put self-important, arrogant idiots behind their wheels.

In conclusion: slow the f*** down. Stop riding my bumper. You think I’m annoying by driving the speed limit? Cry about it. At least I’m not putting lives at stake.