“All pleasures are guilty pleasures if you have high enough anxiety,” says the meme, and this is very true of me. As you probably already know if you read my blog, I have a lot of guilt and shame around just about anything that is pleasurable to me, especially food- and music-related things. Pretty much all of my favorite music is “guilty pleasure” music, and many of my favorite foods are too, even if they don’t seem that weird or bad to a normal person.

Why are we like this? Is it an ED thing? An AvPD thing? Probably some of both, tbh. I can’t imagine what it’s like to eat around other people without shame – I don’t even like for my husband to see me eating, in fact it drives him crazy how whenever we eat together on the couch I erect a small “pillow wall” between us so I can kind of hunker in my personal space. It’s just, those chewing motions are so unbecoming, so… digestive, ugh. I’m even embarrassed when the cashier rings up my groceries. I imagine them looking at all my stuff and going “oh, you like this shit, do you? This pleases your drooly little taste buds?” Lol I wish I were joking.

But not all of these are food. I’m like this about everything. I’ll just get to it so you can see what I mean.

16. Giant fruit. When an apple is, like, freakishly ginormous, like the size of a newborn’s head, or a banana is like a foot long (no, this is not an innuendo, I am really talking about fruit), and any normal person would see it and go “what in the GMO hell is that,” “that is way too much fruit for a single person” – I’ll nervously chuckle and be like “oh yeah, that’s too much, I could never, lol!” but then in private I will demolish that shit in like 45 seconds flat. I love apples.

16. Giant hoodies. I always tell myself I should start dressing more ladylike. Then I always end up in some kind of black 2XL men’s hoodie (I’m a women’s M). I can’t help it, I just feel safe and like myself inside a giant hoodie.

15. Lottery tickets. As a rule, I do not buy these – I have an addictive personality, and not a lot of money to blow – but now and then, when the Mega Millions gets high enough, my sweet and mentally-balanced husband will be like “I’ll go buy one ticket, just for fun,” and I can feel the whites of my eyes turn black as I reply, with the haunted urgency of an addict, “how about three? Or maybe five?? And will you grab me some of those scratch-offs, while you’re at it?”

14. The TV show Outer Banks. It’s so ridiculous! It’s such a high school fantasy. And the really stupid thing is, it isn’t even set on the real Outer Banks! As someone who lives in the Southeast and has spent a substantial amount of time on the real OBX, it’s painfully obvious that this show was filmed in like Florida or maybe South Georgia or something. It’s almost too silly to watch. But man, is it entertaining. (I haven’t watched the latest season yet; I’ve only seen up through season three. My husband won’t watch this one with me, lol.) And the eye candy! Everyone in the show is so pretty, I mean, Madelyn Cline, wow what a beautiful person! My personal favorite character though is JJ. What a precious child. I just want to like pack him a lunch with the crusts cut off the sandwich, and mend the holes in his socks, and whatnot.

13. Christmas. I’m talking the hideous, garish, commercial, Santa Claus, “Rockin’ Around the Christmas Tree,” Hallmark movie, lawn inflatables, holiday sales at Walmart type of Christmas. I love the religious aspects, too, don’t get me wrong. In my faith community, folks aren’t big on the commercial stuff – they kind of pooh-pooh it, and rightfully so. As a holly jolly Santa lover, I’m definitely the odd one out among TradCaths. I wish I could kick the habit and instead be all holy and ascetic and serious about this feast day – but, it just brings me so much joy! I grew up secular, so this shit hits like the best kind of comfort food, for me.

12. Simulation games. I’m not into video games at all, and tbh I kinda look down on video gaming as a hobby, and think it’s pretty dumb. But simulation games? The kind where there’s no actual goal or conflict? I can eat that shit up! Like, as a kid (5th-7th grade) I used to waste so much time on The Sims for PC, and before that I wasted so much time on horseback riding/equestrian simulators. I got so sucked into them! I know I still could, very easily, so I avoid them as a rule. (And there are so many more to choose from, now! Even grocery store simulators!!) I ain’t got that kind of time to waste anymore. 

11. Arby’s classic roast beef sandwiches. I’m vegetarian, and have been vegetarian or vegan for most of my life, but very seldom, like once every few years, I’ll get one of these with extra Arby’s Sauce. They’re just so good, and there’s nothing else quite like them. And it’s weird ‘cause in general I was never big on beef, even when I was a meat eater; I always preferred chicken. What does this Arby guy put in his sandwiches to make them so good? It’s a mystery to me.

10. WASPy baby names. I have three kids, and all of them have beautiful, special, non-WASPy names. I would never name my daughter Harper or Kennedy or Harlow or Saylor, and I would never name my son Miles or Pierce or Brooks – but, I freaking love all of these names so much. The ones that scream “prep school” and “country club.” Ugh, hate to love it.

9. Alt fashion. These days, I try to dress in a way that’s modest, unassuming, comfortable, and age-appropriate. But, just know that, in my heart, I am wearing a vegan leather motorcycle jacket covered in pins, black combat boots, a ripped denim miniskirt with one of those studded belts, black-and-white striped tights, and a t-shirt with some kind of band logo on it. I’m also a sucker for artificial hair colors. Whenever I see someone out in public with blue or purple hair or a quirky, artsy, alternative fashion sense, I send them a little telepathic message saying “rock on friend! you may not be able to tell, but I’m a kindred spirit!”

8. Divorced dad rock. Back when I was like thirteen, I really thought bands like Three Doors Down, Saliva, Staind, Nickelback, and Cold were seriously edgy, hardcore rock music! I thought I was so punk and alternative for listening to them! It wasn’t until 20+ years later that I learned that these all belong to an unbearably cringe genre referred to as “divorced dad rock.” But I still think certain early Nickelback songs, like “How You Remind Me” and “Someday,” are bangers; I mean, come on.

7. Certain manga/anime. This genre is a cesspool, and as far as I can tell, roughly 99.9% of it is disgusting trash. But MARS by Fuyumi Soryo is one of the greatest love stories ever told (even if it kind of gave my thirteen/fourteen-year-old self some rather unhealthy, starry-eyed ideas about what a romantic relationship should look like), and I will probably continue to cherish all fifteen volumes until the day I die. And, as you may already know from that other post of mine, I kind of can’t help but adore the character Izaya Orihara from DRRR!.

6. These two specific seasonal candies: Cadbury Creme Eggs in the spring, and Mallocreme Pumpkins in the fall. Especially the eggs. They’re so disgusting – all that sticky high fructose slime oozing out all over your fingers – but so fun! Cadbury chocolate just tastes better. And, those vile little mallocreme pumpkins: keep them away from me! The texture is simultaneously rock hard and marshmallowy soft, and the sugar is so sweet it burns. Why do I love them?!

5. Heroin chic. I am not condoning this look. I truly, from the depths of my heart, hate that I love this look. It’s so sick and bad (neither of those in the cool way). But, I was a kid in the ‘90s and came of age in the ’00s, and I’m afraid that did permanent damage to my idea of feminine “beauty.” I have tried so hard, for so long, to change my taste: to genuinely appreciate the beauty of a fuller, healthier figure; but, to no avail. My “dream body” will always be bony and emaciated, and I will never feel pretty or confident at a healthy size. But that’s okay. I don’t have to. The whole “love your body” thing is BS. Much more helpful to me in my ED recovery has been “it’s okay to not love your body; it’s okay to be uncomfortable.” 

4. The indoors, and climate control. I so wish I were outdoorsy! I wish I loved gardening and sunshine and being in nature. These seem like healthy, morally superior things to like. Unfortunately, I just don’t like them. Anything colder than 55F and warmer than 70F, I’m going inside. Bright sun? Inside. Too windy? Inside. I hate dirt and bugs; I love air conditioning in summer and heat in winter. I do make an effort to get my kids outside frequently to play, but I certainly do not enjoy it.

3. Gas station egg salad sandwiches in the plastic container. The best ones come from 7-11, but Sheetz has a good one too (which is satisfyingly labeled as an egg salad “wedge”). Isn’t this a disgusting thing to like? I’m so ashamed. They’re so good though. 

2. The song “Astronaut in the Ocean” by Masked Wolf. I heard this song on the radio for the first time in my car one day in 2021, and was like: wow, this slaps!! and immediately ran to the internet to go listen to and download it and listen to it on repeat. It wasn’t until weeks later that I discovered, through social media comments, that apparently this song is universally recognized as the cringiest, lamest, stupidest song of all time, and everyone everywhere is making fun of it, because apparently it sounds like if a chubby youth group leader at church tried to write a rap. Oops. Still slaps, though.

And finally:

1. Bath & Body Works. Their stuff is so bad for you! Chock full of hormone-disrupting chemicals, not to mention all that plastic packaging. But, the dopamine hit that I get from a spritz of B&BW body mist, or a fresh tube of their lotion after a shower, is like no other that I have left in life. It’s not even just the scents, it’s the matching graphics on the pretty bottles, the creative names, and the little artsy descriptions of the scents on the back: their designers do such an annoyingly good job. I can’t quit the stuff. I feel the same about Yankee Candle, and for many years that was my kryptonite, but now I can’t burn candles because of my kids, so, I have to get my fragrance fix from personal care products. My favorite B&BW scent from recent years is Ballet Nights, a wintry smell like sugared berries and cassis, amber wood and vanilla and snow, packaged in a shimmery amethyst-colored bottle; and runner-up is Sweetheart Cherry, which is pure cherry almond cupcake.