You’ve probably already seen my Top 10 TV Characters as contestants on a baking competition show (seasons one and two). The idea for this post came from that. I was considering doing a version with literary characters, which got me thinking about my favorite book, which itself has more than enough characters to cast an entire season of a baking show!

In fact, it has so many great characters that I regrettably had to cut some of the best, simply because I don’t think they’d be good enough bakers to make it onto the show, if they were being judged against everyone else. Among these were, tragically: Don Gately (I mean, come on, Corn Flakes in the meatloaf; it’s endearing, but I just don’t see him having the finesse for this kind of competition); Randy Lenz (too high); Poor Tony Krause (same); Pamela Hoffmann-Jeep (can she even do anything by herself? Lol), Kate Gompert (too depressed to care enough to bake anything), Mario (lacks the physical coordination), and JOI a.k.a. Himself (dead).

Here are the twelve I think would make it, in order from first sent home to champion:

12. Charles Tavis. He might be the character that I relate to the most, tbh, which is a pathetic thing to admit. He’s so painfully awkward. The remaining contestants (except maybe #5) are extremely relieved to see him go home, so they don’t have to be around him anymore. In his nervousness, he kept dropping and spilling everything.

11. Hugh/“Helen” Steeply. I doubt he is much of a baker, but he probably practiced a few recipes over and over beforehand, and managed to present as just convincing enough to get through Episode 2. His bakes were very sloppy, a lot of melting buttercream and grotesque-looking cherries on top.

10. Orin. Also not much of a baker; actually, not too interested in food or baking or in being here at all. But he’s smart enough to outlast the previous two. His bakes are efficient and minimalistic, but flavorful. Tbh I suspect he’s just here for the chance to see #9:

9. Joelle van Dyne. She obviously has some skills in the kitchen (lol). However, I doubt she is that great at actually baking food, because despite her home-grown KY upbringing, she was always more of a daddy’s girl, so I doubt her mama taught her much; and her cakes did not taste as good as they looked. It’s cool she got to represent UHID on national TV though (side note, as someone who hates to be perceived, I’d totally join UHID if they were real).

8. Hal. With a brain like his, he could pick up any skill, even baking. He knows all the terminology and all the techniques in theory, better than probably anyone else on the set. But, his mind is also his weakness, and his overthinking gets the best of him, and in this episode he kind of snaps and his cake collapses in an unsightly molten mess.

7. Pemulis. He’s probably about as good a baker as Hal, but he’s a bit bolder, a bit more cutthroat, more ruthless, and unafraid of cheating. Which carries him halfway through the competition, but is, in the end, his downfall, as he gets disqualified off-camera when he’s caught lacing his opponents’ complimentary beverages with psychedelic drugs.

6. Remy Marathe. Despite his physical handicap, he’s quite a strong baker, and has presented a number of Québécois-themed puddings and desserts using maple. He’s one of those baking show contestants who seizes every opportunity to talk about where they’re from, or to bake something that represents their culture.

5. Avril. She’s one of those bakers who feeds everyone around her generously, but never seems to so much as lick a spoon herself. Highly proficient, and a fan favorite because of her looks. But, all things considered, you have to wonder if she made it this far by sleeping with at least one of the judges.

4. Ortho “The Darkness” Stice. The youngest remaining contestant, at this point, so there’s a lot of pressure on him, but he never seems to crack under it. It seems almost supernatural. But, like his attire, all of his desserts are black, sealed up in black fondant or glazed in dark chocolate, and at this point the judges send him home simply because they’d like to see more variety.

The Three Finalists:

3. Pat Montesian. A formidable opponent, her recipes are homespun but tried and true, and she flinches at no challenge. She’s the only contestant who never bakes with liquor; when challenged to create a boozy dessert, she produced an excellent virgin Irish car bomb cupcake using nonalcoholic beer. Despite her humility and unflagging good cheer, the judges seem intimidated by her, and I don’t blame them.

2. Coach Gerhard Schtitt. Remember Juergen from GBBO season 12? Schtitt is a lot like him, as a baker: very technical, very steady-handed, very German. He really could have won, had he not been competing against:

The Grand Champion:

1. Lyle. How could he lose? It’s like these perfect bakes just materialize on his station, as if we all collectively dreamed them into existence. Yet he never appears to be actively baking; he’s always meditating, or counseling the other contestants, and/or licking sweat off their foreheads.

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Do my fellow IJ fans think I got it right? I’d be curious to hear your thoughts!