So you find out you have avoidant personality disorder, or begin to suspect that you might; and so, like the sad avoidant little chronically online loser you are, you creep on over to Reddit to find out more about the condition and how to live with it. And you discover r/AvPD. God help you.

The subreddit r/AvPD is a miserable place, and does not present a realistic picture of life as an adult with this disorder. I don’t hang out there anymore, because, when I was there, it seemed heavily dominated by a bunch of angry self-diagnosed teenage or twentyish male incels, who are just there to wallow in self-pity and gatekeep their mental illness, and will downvote you if you ever post anything slightly positive or pertaining to self-discipline rather than suicide. Not entirely, though; I actually have had a couple of nice interactions there, and seen a few worthwhile posts.

One of the more interesting posts that I saw (one of the few that wasn’t just an angry suicidal vent or someone complaining about their parents), was someone asking the group: what are some songs that remind you of AvPD? I have several.

Who knows what these musical artists were actually thinking about when they wrote these songs? Probably not avoidant personality disorder, lol.

But, songs, perhaps more than any other works of art, have that cool feature where they begin in the artist’s brain but are completed in the listener’s. Their meaning is kind of subjective – a song can mean anything to anyone, regardless of what the artist meant when they wrote it. I think songs are the most subjective artistic medium, because music is, basically, pure emotion. Prose relies on language, which by its very nature must involve objective meaning. Poetry is where it gets perhaps more emotional and subjective, as it relies on things like metaphor, allusion, rhythm, flow, and subtlety. Then, when you take a poem and add music, it really creates a physical and emotional reaction, which is harder to quantify or qualify than simply answering “did you understand this work.”

Anyway, this is all just to say that, regardless of their actual meaning, to me, these songs are about living with AvPD. Certain choices would have been too obvious, like “Mad World” (which literally everyone who’s ever experienced a single moment of any kind of sadness can deeply relate to) or “Boulevard of Broken Dreams” (which lacks any kind of subtlety or depth, lyrically), so I went with ones that are perhaps a bit more personal to me, and that feel a bit more unique to AvPD.

13. My Secret Friend by IAMX ft. Imogen Heap. This is truly a song for any mood. It is dark and gloomy but also kind of encouraging, and you can rock out to it. This was my jam in like 2009-2010 when I was in college and super depressed and isolated; it was precisely the musical nourishment that I needed.

12. Walking With A Ghost by Tegan and Sara. Being a creepy avoidant loser doesn’t have to be a total drag all the time! Living alone with your thoughts can have its perks. That’s the vibe I get from this little song, which always reminds me of the summery, purely escapist novel that I wrote in 2006 and how much fun that was.

11. All Alone by Gorillaz. This one’s more about being alone in the cosmic sense, I think, than about being simply lonely. But AvPD does definitely make you question, at times, whether you can really be a participating member of the human race or pleasing to God. This song captures the alienation and resignation of someone who knows it’s not going to get better.

10. From Off To On by The Knife. As I understand it, this song is about escapism: not feeling like a real person in one’s own body, and escaping into a comfort zone of media consumption, a mirage, a pretend world where things appear beautiful; it seems to be about closing off the outside world, removing oneself from reality. Plus, the soft, slow, eerie singing really captures that AvPD feeling of not quite existing in the real world.

9. Sick Cycle Carousel by Lifehouse. Make fun of me all you want for putting a Lifehouse song on here. My miserable fourteen-year-old self felt so seen and understood when I heard “if shame had a face I think it would kind of look like mine,” and, “you’d better believe that I have tried to beat this.” I still think it’s a really concise and eloquent little song.

8. Imaginary by Evanescence. Go on, keep laughing at me! (An ex of mine once said “Evanescence is music for fat girls,” hahaha.) But I don’t care, this song is a gem. And what person with AvPD doesn’t want to be left alone forever in their imaginary world, in their field of paper flowers!

7. Waltz #2 by Elliott Smith. No one else quite captures the tortured, lonely feeling of being unable to communicate, of being a stranger, trapped in your own head, loving someone from afar, like Elliott Smith does. “She appears composed, so she is, I suppose/ who can really tell?/ she shows no emotion at all, stares into space like a dead China doll.”

6. Sometimes by Ours. This whole album, Distorted Lullabies, is a banger. I loved their next two albums too, but this one is probably the darkest and saddest. This track in particular encapsulates the despair and frustration of being stuck in a dark place. Idk if Jimmy has AvPD but he certainly seems like an introvert. When I saw him live, at one point in a pause between songs some drunk guy in the crowd hollered out “I LOVE YOU JIMMY!!!” and Jimmy, without even glancing up or smiling or anything, mumbles softly into the mic: “Iloveyoutoo,” lol.

5. This Time Imperfect by AFI. The latter half, specifically; or, what constitutes the final third of this symphonic twelfth track of their amazing album Sing the Sorrow. “I’d share with you, could I only speak/ just how much this hurts me,” damn! Davey does not strike me as having AvPD (he’s way too cool, haha), but this mournful song really gets it – feeling paralyzed, trapped, unable to really interact in any meaningful way.

4. Song of Imaginary Beings by IAMX. I find a lot of his songs relatable, from an AvPD perspective. The lyrics to this one are mystifying, but really feel to me like they’re about someone who does not know how to love other people, and feels, perhaps, more at home among fictional characters than in reality.

3. Freakish by Saves the Day. This one’s pretty literal; not a lot of personal interpretation necessary. It’s simply about not knowing how to talk to someone, but wanting to; of being unable to be anything but pathetically boring.

2. Awkward Last Words by Armor For Sleep. This song kills me to listen to, because the emotion is so specific and real and raw. My AvPD has put me in this singer’s exact situation quite a few times in my life. The desperate way he sings it – “I wanna live again, I wanna start everything over again/ I wanna get this right” – is almost too painful.

And finally, the quintessential AvPD anthem:

1. No Name #1 by Elliott Smith. The lyrics to this one really make me wonder if Elliott himself (may he rest in peace) had AvPD. “Leave alone, ‘cause you know you don’t belong/ You don’t belong here,” hits even harder when considered in light of his death. The interactions and feelings that he sings about in this one are so vivid and relatable for anyone who has this disorder.