I’ve talked a lot on this blog about things I love, and frankly, you’re probably sick of hearing me go “absolutely captivating,” “brilliant,” “truly a masterpiece,” etc., etc. Listen, I’m actually a super negative and grumpy person. Let me prove it. Plus, everyone in my house has the flu right now, and I’m in a shitty mood about it, so, now feels like a good time to vent about things that I hate.

27. Raw celery. Cooked celery in a recipe is fine, but, what is even the point of raw celery? It’s at once peppery, hairy, and watery, none of which are good flavors. Carrots are definitely the superior dipping veg.

26. Complicated board games or card games. Anything with a massive set of rules to remember. My sweet husband has, in the past, tried to introduce me to some of his favorite “nerdy” tabletop games. Learning all those arbitrary rules, I just get so bored I could literally cry. A game should be simple in theory, like Scrabble, or Apples to Apples.

25. Pandas. Did you know that, if a mother panda gives birth to twins, she just straight up abandons one of them? Also, they like to express their anal glands and rub them on things. Overrated creatures. Least favorite animal (besides #4).

24. Weddings. If you’re one of my loved ones and you’re getting married? Love that! Please, count me in! But, weddings in general, with all their fuss and fanfare and formalities, not to mention the expectation of blowing thousands and thousands of dollars, are so dumb.

23. The writings/podcasts of Brené Brown. She’s a talented writer, and a savvy businessperson, and clearly deserves her millions! But, I just can’t with the whole modern pop-psychology “self love” “self forgiveness” “self compassion” thing. All that soft, warm-and-fuzzy, 21st century egotistical “me first” philosophy. It just turns my stomach.

22. Sex scenes in novels/movies/TV. The only one I can think of that was not complete cringey fanservice was in the show The Outsider; it revealed a relevant plot detail we could not have otherwise known. If you’re not sharing an important plot detail that you can’t fit elsewhere, LEAVE IT OUT. Fade to black. Be an adult.

21. High Fantasy and sci-fi. Anything with extensive “world-building” involved… I just can’t. There have been exceptions, like a couple of Brandon Sanderson’s standalone novels, and the LoTR movies, even though I really struggled to follow them – but, generally, my brain is highly resistant to this genre, and I just tune right the heck out.

20. Corduroy. Gives me the sensory ick; touching it makes me want to moisturize my hands stat.

19. War movies/war novels. Another genre that I just can’t with. I will fall asleep. I feel like I had so much war fiction forced upon me in public school English class, that now, if a novel’s back cover blurb mentions a war, I put that sucker right back on the shelf without even finishing the sentence. I know this topic is important and valuable and all, but, please. No more.

18. Brown soda. Coke, Pepsi, Dr. Pepper, root beer — anything that’s brown and bubby, is just vile to me, and always has been. It’s just a color/consistency combination that does NOT work. Only time I ever tolerated coke was when it had Jack in it, and nowadays I don’t drink anymore, so.

17. “Pink” (the musical artist). Listen, I’m sure Alecia is a perfectly lovely individual IRL, and I can’t deny that she has an objectively good singing voice. But as a performer, I just can’t. Something about listening to her music makes me feel like I’m gagging on a giant spoonful of Crisco.

16. The 1970s. My least favorite decade of the 20th century. I feel like everything that came out of it was ugly and bad: fashion, decor, songs, buildings, Church reforms, you name it.

15. Chewing gum. Simply disgusting and abhorrent. Also bad for you. It’s gross and dumb and makes you look gross and dumb, like a big dumb animal chewing its nasty, sticky, synthetic cud. If you need to freshen your breath on the go, suck on a mint.

14. Minimalism in decor and art. I dislike clutter as much as the next person, but, I loathe the stripped-down, stark, cold, sleek aesthetic that makes a home feel like a contemporary art museum. I hate it in fine art, and in prose, too. This isn’t Twitter, it’s a novel. Give me lengthy descriptions and long, lush sentences I can sink my teeth into. Don’t talk to your reader like you hate them and can’t wait to get away from them; I mean, come on.

13. Wearing fitted clothes, especially tight-fitting long sleeves. If I try on a long-sleeved top and the sleeves are tight, I will scream and rip it off and throw it across the room, dry heaving. The audacity of any garment to constrict my arms! But really anything tight. Sensory ick; also, immodest.

12. Crude bumper stickers. Or anything you put on your vehicle that has visible profanities or obscenities. Nothing screams “immature” and “idiot” so much as a vulgar car ornament. If you want to be gross and trashy in private, fine, but don’t force me to have to explain to my young kids what your stupid sticker means.

11. Car chase scenes, fight scenes, and sports game scenes in movies/TV. These bore me to tears! Just get to the point: who wins? Do they catch the guy or not? Because I am not enjoying this, I do not find this titillating.

10. The band Maroon 5. I recognize that they have talent, and “This Love” and “One More Night” were both catchy AF, but, dude’s voice has this weird goose-like quality to me. There’s something greasy about his lyrics. Also, he was caught cheating on his pregnant wife, which makes him very repulsive to me. Yuck, yuck, yuck. Now, every time I hear his goose-like voice on the radio, I gag and cannot change the station fast enough.

9. Puppets. I don’t mind the realistic-looking animal puppets you can buy at fancy toy shops. It’s the Muppety ones with the wide mouths and creepy noodly arms that I loathe. Kermit – hate him. Fraggles – hate ‘em. Any video with those hideous things in it immediately gets switched off in my house.

8. Beer. It’s so gross. I was an active alcoholic for approximately twelve years, and an absolute whore for booze, but never once even touched a drop of this stuff. I’ve been to Germany twice and Ireland four times, and still, never once tasted beer. The smell, the appearance, the concept, the vibes: I just hate everything about it.

7. Plastic. Now, I’m no “crunchy mom” – I like my Tylenol, vaccines, and fluoride toothpaste, don’t care for tea or meat, and am terrible at baking bread from scratch – but, plastic is an abomination! It’s actively poisoning us, and it’s everywhere, in everything, because it’s cheap. And plastic-free alternatives are prohibitively expensive. It’s a crime. Plastic garbage nauseates me, because you just know each little plastic bag or jar or jug you toss is going to outlive you and your grandchildren. Outlaw this filth!

6. Eye contact and first names. This is an AvPD thing. I avoid eye contact and use of names with everyone except my own children. Using someone’s name feels like taking ownership of them in a way that I can’t get comfortable with. I also have certain long-standing issues with my own real first name, which I will not go into here.

5. Merging on the highway. Or, other people merging onto the highway while I am driving on the highway. I have driving anxiety, which is for the most part pretty manageable, but these merging situations never fail to give me a mini heart attack. In fact, cars in general deserve to be on this list. Bring back horses.

4. Bugs. I hate bugs. I hate wasps, ticks, hornets, gnats, mosquitoes, crickets, ants… all of them. Horrible. I live in a location that’s very buggy in the summer, and every summer, without fail, fantasize in detail about moving to Alaska or Siberia or the Swedish Lapland.

3. The ocean. Shit is terrifying, yo. Sometimes I’ll just be sitting in my house or lying in bed and I’ll randomly think about the fact that the ocean is two and a half miles deep where the Titanic sank. And much deeper in other places. That much water just has no business existing! In my good Christian suburbs!! And some of the critters that live down there? Horrifying. Don’t even get me started on riptides and undertows and tidal waves. I feel this way about outer space, too, but, the ocean is closer to home.

2. Chalk, and also dry paper. My biggest sensory ick. Not even gonna write about it cause just the thought is so extremely physically uncomfortable.

And finally:

1. People not listening. This is probably my biggest anger trigger, both as a mom and in human interactions in general. I’m a logic-based personality type (INTJ in MBTI, ILI in socionics), so when people refuse to listen to reason, it seriously tweaks me. This is part of why I get so heated about, for example, pro-choicers who deny science or throw emotional red herrings instead of listening to very basic, elementary logic; or, similarly, Catholic haters who stubbornly close their ears against the perfect rationality of Catholic teachings, because they simply don’t want to hear it, and instead do all kinds of mental gymnastics just to dodge the truth. Also, my toddlers when they ignore basic instructions; this, more than any other behavior of theirs, irks me to death. Or even adults, when they distort and misconstrue something I said in conversation, or grossly misunderstand my intentions (this typically me more anxious and sad than angry, though). Being understood and heard is among the pinnacles of human experience; maybe that’s why I like to write so much. “All the love in the world is useless when there is a total lack of understanding,” said Franz Kafka, and I felt that in my soul.