As some of you may know, I was, in a past life, a dog groomer at a corporate salon, for about seven years. While I do not miss clocking in for a job, I do miss some things about it: hanging out with my coworkers, mostly. Socially it could be a pretty toxic, gossippy environment, but virtually all of my coworkers were genuinely lovely individuals, good-hearted, who, despite the communal petty bitchiness (inevitable, when you put a bunch of twentysomething women in a fishbowl together and apply pressure), actually looked out for each other; and their company and conversation could often make a workday lots of fun. I also miss certain customers: many of the pet parents were gracious and pleasant and really appreciated what we did for them, even when it wasn’t perfect. Bless those people! I still think often of a lot of my clients from those days.

And obviously, I miss the doggos! (And yes, I still say “doggo,” I’m old.) Getting to interact with that many dogs per day was truly a privilege. I’ve always liked animals, but being a groomer really deepened my appreciation and love for dogs, both as individuals and as a species.

But, I left that job almost five years ago to stay home with my kids, who are now 4, 3, and 1.5, and are, predictably, all huge fans of the show PAW Patrol. Now, normally, I don’t let my kids absorb this kind of obnoxious brainrot, but, listen, sometimes when you’re solo-parenting three toddlers, and then you get sick for a few days, you do what you got to do to survive.

Thus, my days are no longer full of real dogs, but rather animated superhero ones, and I can’t help but reflect on what it might have been like if I’d met them in a past life. Here are the PAW Patrol pups ranked in order of how much I would like to have them on my grooming table:

10. Everest. I feel almost traitorous putting her in last place, because she’s my girls’ favorite, but, anyone who’s ever been a groomer knows that grooming a Husky is not for the faint of heart! Currently having flashbacks to a bathing bunker full of flying white hair (you’d have to wear a mask, or just wrap your nose and mouth in a towel, balaclava-style, to avoid inhaling it) while the wildly-dancing Husky’s shrill, relentless song of protest pierces through the roar of the velocity dryer, and you just know that they can hear her all over the store, and they probably think you’re torturing her. Then later the drains would all be clogged with wads of hair the size of my head. And even after all that, the dog would still go home slightly damp. I’d be up for it on a good day when I was fully caffeinated, but, a Husky will take it out of you for sure.

9. Chase. Nothing against GSDs, but I’m wary of them, since the only serious bite I ever got in seven years was from a GSD. Plus, they are so big, and tend to be very high-energy, especially the young ones. If you see one of these on your schedule, get ready for a full body workout.

8. Rubble. Brachycephalic dogs are, actually, my favorite, as you may know, and whenever a Bulldog or a Boston came in, it absolutely made my day! However, it was also always a bit high stress when they came in. Because short-nosed dogs, especially English bulldogs, are prone to respiratory and cardiac issues, which makes them a poor candidate for blow-drying or really anything slightly stressful at all. Basically, if the dog showed the slightest signs of getting worked up, we’d have to send them home unfinished, which always pains a groomer’s heart. And because of their health concerns you can’t even kennel them, so you’d have to sit there with them waiting for their Mom to come get them while your other clients are sitting in the kennels, waiting for you to finish their haircuts, and the clock is ticking. Still, Rubble is definitely the pup I’d most want to adopt.

7. Rocky. Rocky is actually my favorite character on the show, and he looks like he’d be fun to groom (I loved working with those scruffy, wiry coats). But, only thing is, he’s afraid of getting wet. That’s like his whole schtick in the show. It’s never fun bathing a dog who hates the bath, and good luck doing a good haircut on a dog who’s not clean.

6. Zuma. I love labs! They’re so goofy and dopey and affectionate. But, they can be tiring to work with. They’re so playful, and they’re such solid chonks with such thick hair that it can just be really exhausting to get them all the way clean and dry. When they don’t want to cooperate, it can feel like wrestling a hairy walrus. (As you are probably starting to see, I am more of a small dog person.)

5. Sweetie. She’s definitely spoiled, so I expect she might be snippy to work with; plus, she’s a Westie, and in my experience, those little buttheads just love to bite! However, I like their coats, and in general I typically really liked working with the prissy little white floofy things, especially when they were well taken care of at home. A dog who gets brushed at home daily and professionally groomed regularly, is almost always a dream to work with. And Sweetie’s pet parent is literally the Princess of Barkingburg, so, let’s be real, she’s probably the best-groomed of all these pups.

4. MarshaIl. Clumsiness aside, he would probably be a pretty easy client. A Dalmatians’s hair is so short that, like a Pit Bull, they’d air-dry in mere minutes. A quick rub with a rubber curry brush and he’d be good to go. Although, Marshall’s a klutz, so he’d probably be one of those dogs who’s always sidestepping off the table, so, you might need to beseech one of your coworkers to stand on his other side while you work on him (not an uncommon occurrence in the salon).

3. Skye. A cockapoo is almost always a great client. They’re sweet-natured, and most of the ones I met were well taken care of and well trained, which I assume Skye would be, I mean, look, she’s only a puppy and already flies a helicopter, so. Plus, they’re small and cute and their poodlish hair is so fun to work with.

2. Tracker. Some people are wary of chihuahuas, but I always loved them, short haired and long haired alike! They’re easy to groom, and yes, they can be feisty, but with that cute little face and big ears, it’s hard to take their rage seriously. Tracker seems chill and eager to help, so he’d probably be a dream to work with.

And finally, my pick for most desirable client:

1. Liberty. My heart always leapt for joy when I saw a Longhaired Dachshund on my schedule! Their coat and stature make them really fun and easy to work with (I preferred the wiry ones, and Liberty looks more silky, but still). They’re pretty hardy for their size, so not likely to be sickly or stressful on the grooming table. True, sometimes they put up a fight for their nail trim, but honestly, an angry sausage is no problem – I’d much rather wrestle an angry Oscar Meyer Wiener than an angry GSD or lab. If Liberty’s mom called for an appointment, I’d definitely book her on myself.