Some of you may recall that the last time I kept a blog (version 2.0), I was a cringey college kid who thought I had the answers to everything. Well I’m back now to apologize for being such an insufferable, self-righteous fool, and to write down a few new things–why? What’s the point? Blogging is so silly. Why should I, who am not particularly interesting and have zero skills, have a blog? Well, I guess to “scream into the void” like we all do in some kind of way, right? I guess an inclination to communicate is part of being human, and blogging is easy and free and relatively safe.

Ten years ago this week, so November 21st of 2013, I graduated from college, and now I can happily say that I’m finally doing what I always wanted to do… which has exactly nothing to do with my $80k+ degree lol.

I’m not here to complain about the system. I’m not a victim of anything. I was absolutely, 1000% the idiot for going to pricey arts schools (first a liberal arts, then transferred to the fine arts) without a dollar to my name to pay for it.

They tried to warn me, every time I took out another loan: “you know, you’re gonna have to pay this back later!” And I was all, “Oh, I know right, I’m gonna be so poor lol!” I was an idiot, and I don’t expect anyone to cancel my debt for me. Some people might deserve to have their student debts canceled, but I’m definitely not one of those people. 

Because I didn’t even have a plan. “What kind of career are you working towards,” they kept asking. I had no idea. “Something in writing,” was, I think, my canned response. But secretly I knew all along that I didn’t want that (me, a journalist?! Even my journalism professor found that laughable) — that I didn’t need a degree to do the kind of writing I wanted to do and was already doing. I didn’t fit in with all those career-driven kids.

So why did I get the dang degree? Why?! I guess it had been ingrained in me from a young age that college was just what smart people did (and I was told all the time that I was “smart”); it was how smart people “made it” in this world; in truth, it wasn’t really an option; people who didn’t finish college weren’t really worthy of respect. I’m not blaming anyone for conveying this false belief to me. It was just widely accepted to be true in the time and place where I grew up–or at least, that was the impression that I got. 

People tried to help me figure things out. I’m only blaming myself. I blame myself for not having the self-knowledge, the self-confidence, or the strength to speak up from within and say, “ya know, I don’t actually want or need to go to college.”

So what did I want? Secretly, all I really wanted was to find love, have babies, and write books. But I was deeply ashamed to admit this, even to myself — all the way up until I was pushing 30! Why? Because, only stupid, un-respectable, unworthy people would rather stay home and pop out kids than get a cool degree and a job! But even in my childhood, when I pictured my ideal future, I saw myself not in a career, but as a writer/artist, wife, and mom. (In fact as early as sixth grade I wanted to have five kids, lol I had names for them and everything. The career I envisioned for myself? “Artist,” lol I had some flowery vision of myself in an in-home art studio, painting at an easel while my children played).

And look at me now! Strapped with massive debt, still unpublished, no in-home art studio to speak of, and not exactly rolling in cash — but here I am! God has given me a husband and three kids, which is more than I realistically thought I’d actually get, considering my disordered personality and the absolute pathetic idiot train wreck of a human that I was throughout my teens and twenties (and still, essentially, am, tbh).

I wonder often if college was really a complete waste of time for me. I know it’s pointless regretting anything in the past. The butterfly effect and all–if even one tiny thing had been different, I might not have the three perfect kids I have today, etc., so I’d better not wish anything undone. Still, I do wish I could have gotten to this point without dinking around so much. 

Did I do anything at all worthwhile from fall 2008 to November 2013? Well: I met some amazing people, for sure. I’ve failed to keep in touch with any of them in any meaningful way, probably because of the AvPD that I would only later be diagnosed with. But I still think of those people often, and am grateful that they ever gave me their precious time at all, and I wish them well.

What else did I do in college? I certainly was exposed to some good books, some great authors. I traveled abroad; but that was honestly miserable, because I was miserable, and lo and behold, my misery followed me overseas (the geographic cure doesn’t work, y’all), and so all of my memories of it are just lonely and embarrassing and sad. Anything else? Well, as a Writing major, I did write some things… some of which I guess I’m proud of, others of which I’m still painfully embarrassed about (I lie awake at night and cringe about them to this day!), but, were at least educational/therapeutic for me I guess. And it was as a college student that I converted to Catholicism. Although, that wasn’t taught in class, that was on my own time–and I could have done that anywhere, couldn’t I? Did it really take that glorious Cathedral being just a couple blocks down from my dorm to get my attention?

All in all, there were lots of good opportunities–for connections, for experiences–but I squandered them all! I guess I can’t say I regret anything, because I eventually got my dream life out of it. But I certainly don’t recommend doing what I did.

So when my own three beloved children, God willing, reach college age, what will I say to them? I think about this a lot. Right now, I feel like what I’ll say to them is: what do you want to be? What do you think is your calling? No wrong answers! I am teaching my kids to pray, which is something I didn’t learn to do until adulthood–so, hopefully, if I do it well, they’ll be more mature, more skilled at listening for the honest truth inside of them, than I was. If their goal requires a degree, even a liberal arts degree, then you know what, we’ll make it happen! But if they’re not sure, or they just want to wait and stay home and figure things out, that’s great too. Whatever they choose, I hope that they don’t end up with a million regrets like I have — although I guess it’s actually possible to have a million regrets and still be doing well. The pursuit of happiness is overrated tbh.